Sometimes, it can feel like your ex is made of stone.
It’s like they don’t even care that they mistreated you and broke your heart.
Does this mean that they never cared about you at all?
Does it mean that you’re wrong to feel this way?
Not at all. I’ll actually explain to you what your ex is going through emotionally and why even though it may seem like they don’t care, they’re actually feeling a lot of guilt over what they did to you.
And you need to know that your ex’s emotions are going to be the biggest drive of their actions right now, even if they pretend they feel nothing.
Why Your Ex Is Feeling Guilty
One of the biggest emotions that your ex is going to feel after a breakup is guilt, in the vast, vast majority of cases. Because almost everyone feels guilt when they hurt another person. The only people who don’t are psychopaths and sociopaths, because they don’t feel empathy.
Guilt is the feeling of having done something wrong. You feel guilt when you messed up, hurt someone, or acted in ways that aren’t consistent with how you see yourself.
Basically, almost all breakups make people feel guilt because they’re complicated and messy. I’m sure you feel some guilt as well, depending on what happened. You feel like you pushed them away, wasted the potential of the relationship, said unkind things, whatever.
And chances are your ex feels the same way, if not worse. This will depend on a few factors. We’ll cover the SIGNS that your ex feels guilty, but I also want to talk about why it can be really hard to tell one way or another because of how your ex is going to hide it, even from themselves.
The Exception: When Your Ex Isn’t Guilty
But first let’s talk about the few situations where your ex isn’t going to feel any guilt. I’m going to bet you’re not in this situation, but it does happen.
First, as we discussed, if your ex is a sociopath or psychopath, then they’re probably living totally guilt free. In fact, they’re probably walking along, whistling a jaunty tune right now as they look for another person’s life to ruin.
And these people aren’t as rare as you think. In fact, 5% of the population are sociopaths so they really are out there and your ex COULD very well be one.
Diagnosing a sociopath is not something we’re going to do here, but look into it if your ex always showed a complete lack of empathy, a lack of respect for your individuality and was extremely controlling. In this case, I’d forget about their guilt and just be happy you got free from a very toxic person.
But there are reasons that your ex may not feel guilty even if they aren’t a sociopath. It could be that they genuinely don’t believe that they did anything wrong. This is actually pretty rare, in my experience.
On the other hand, it’s very common that they will claim they did nothing wrong, in order to get you to leave them alone.
Whether they’re actively denying some heinous act that you know took place, or they’re just claiming that what they did was—logically speaking—not even that bad and you have nothing to be angry about, you can bet that they actually are feeling guilty.
I understand this thought process because I see it ALL the time in my work. People don’t want to feel negative emotions, so they deny them in any way that they can. They feel a hint of sadness, so they pick up their phone and scroll on social media. They feel angry so they have a drink, or two, or ten. They feel jealous over someone else’s life, so they find some reason to take that person down a peg.
This is never going to be an effective strategy in the long run to regulate your emotions, but in the short term it can prevent you from spinning out. And this is often why your ex is going to deny wrongdoing. Because if they admit they did something wrong, then they have to accept the guilt and the shame that comes along with it. So they’re denying it both to you, and to themselves.
The other scenario here—which ties in in a major way—is that your ex doesn’t feel guilty because they feel that the things YOU did were worse, and that you’re the one who deserves the blame for the breakup.
They may believe that what you did justified their actions. So maybe you cheated on them first, you lied or you pushed them away. I’m not saying that you deserve all the blame and the guilt, but your ex might think so.
And if that’s the case—if they really do feel that way—why would they want you to know that they feel guilty about the breakup? Did you admit guilt? Did you apologize?
If they’re angry at you, they’ll want to deny you the relief of a confession an apology—whether or not they feel guilt. It’s as simple as that.
And the final situation where your ex feels no guilt is when they actually did do nothing wrong. I’m sure you disagree with this, but it’s important to look at what happened and be honest with yourself here. If their only crime was breaking your heart by ending the relationship, they probably don’t deserve all the anger you’re throwing their way.
I understand, it hurts to be broken up with but would you rather they stayed with you forever even though they were unhappy? I doubt that would be an ideal situation for either of you.
How Guilt Works Is Complicated
That said, they probably do still feel guilt around this. Because guilt is a common feeling in any breakup. Guilt—valid or not—can often be a sort of emotional tool. It’s something that we use to take back control.
I think of it like survivor’s guilt. Forgive me for going a little dark here but it’s going to make sense. Say you’re in a plane crash and you’re the only one who makes it out alive. Now, it makes sense that you’d be extremely upset by this turn of events.
But we find that–on top of this–many people will actually feel a lot of guilt, even though they’ve done nothing wrong.
In my opinion, this and some of the guilt we feel after a breakup, can be explained in the same way: it’s about a loss of control.
So whether the breakup happened because the other person cheated, or there was a loss of physical attraction, or life got in the way—we feel overwhelmed by the idea that our entire life was turned upside down because of something that we had basically no control over. If we accept this, we have to accept that any relationship, any job, any house, any loved one could be lost in an instant and we’d have no way to stop it.
RELATED: Can You Get Your Ex Back If You Grew Apart?
Of course, we know on some level that this is true, but it’s something we’d rather not think about for too long. So if we can take responsibility for the breakup, we can blame ourselves.
If we were the reason it ended, then if we just behave differently—act in exactly the right way—we can stop it from happening again. The guilt feels terrible but it can be much easier to accept that it was all our fault than the idea that it was random and out of our control.
So this is why I believe that in almost all breakups, both people feel guilty. Either they did something that is worthy of feeling guilt or they didn’t and they’re trying to regain control. The only other scenario is that they put all the blame onto the other person and try to distance themselves in order to feel better.
But while our mind is good at playing tricks on us—like we’ve just talked about—very few people are able to cheat on their partners, lie to them, dump them, abuse them or otherwise mistreat them and convince themselves that their ex was the one in the wrong.
7 Signs Your Ex Feels Guilty
So—outside of the few scenarios I’ve covered—you can safely bet that your ex DOES feel guilty about the breakup. But how can you know for sure? Well let’s talk about the signs that your ex is going to display if they feel guilty.
Remember, denial can be a powerful thing so even if your ex doesn’t show any of these signs, it doesn’t mean that they really feel no guilt over the breakup, because they could just be hiding it well. But if you notice one or more of these signs, then you can be confident that they’re feeling guilty.
#1. Excessive Apologies
This one is obvious but if your ex is constantly reaching out to you to tell you how sorry they are then you can safely bet that they’re doing this because they feel guilty. They want you to accept their apology and forgive them so that they can forgive themselves.
#2. Constant Check-ins
If your ex is hitting you up constantly to have a serious talk or even just to say hello, this is another sign of guilt. They want to assure themselves that you’re not upset so they can say to themselves “they’re not mad so obviously what I did wasn’t that bad.”
They’re probably wanting to apologize but are too afraid to bring it up and have to really face the music.
#3. Cutting Ties With You
On the other hand, sometimes your ex will go in the opposite direction. As I’ve said, guilt is a painful emotion and there are a few ways to avoid it: you can apologize and be forgiven, you can deny the issue, you can put the blame onto the injured party, or you can reject it completely by running away.
This is an emotionally immature response, but if your ex wronged you and has now gone completely dark—not answering messages or phone calls—then this is probably the route that they’re taking.
#4. Avoiding Mutual Friends
The guilt your ex feels is not always just between the two of you. They probably fear that you have outed their behaviour to your mutual friends and the wider community. And in order to avoid rejection from others, they’re choosing to preemptively take space from everyone.
This is one of the more telltale signs of a guilty conscience.
#5. Repeated Denials
Now, this is a tricky one. I don’t want to tell you that denying wrongdoing is evidence of guilt. That’s a pretty stupid road to go down if you think about it. I mean, if someone accused you of shooting JFK, you’d probably deny it but that wouldn’t make you guilty.
BUT if your ex is calling you up all the time to tell you that they feel great and that you’re the problem and that they did nothing wrong and you’re freaking out for no reason, then that’s often a sign of a guilty conscience.
They think that if they can convince you that they’re innocent then they’ll be able to believe it themselves.
#6. Overly Nice Behavior
If your ex is being too nice to you post-breakup, they usually have an ulterior motive. They want to make themselves feel better by sucking up to you. This is in the same vein as apologizing or checking in. They’re trying to make themselves feel better by making you feel better.
#7. Shifting The Blame
We’ve talked about this a little bit but if your ex was the one who screwed up, and they’re trying to put it all on you, this is a sign of guilt. They may ask you for an apology, tell people that you were the one who was in the wrong or even blast you on social media.
This is a pretty toxic move and can even be a form of gaslighting. They’re trying to make you look guilty so that they feel better. They know they probably won’t succeed but they can confuse the issue in a way so that you don’t know what the truth is anymore.
What If You Want Your Ex Back?
This is a lot of information, but how will it impact your chances of getting your ex back? The truth is that guilt on your ex’s part is a sign that they still have feelings for you which is a good sign for your chances.
I’ve been asked if it’s good to massage your ex’s guilt a little—basically to make them more guilty to hopefully draw them back to you. And I don’t recommend you try to actively make them feel more guilty…but also you shouldn’t just automatically accept their apology and try to make them feel better.
Because your ex’s guilt can draw them towards you. It can make them come to you for forgiveness or comfort which is what you want. At the same time—as we talked about—guilt can make your ex run away, in order to avoid the shame they’re feeling.
So you have to feel this one out. If your ex is avoiding you due to shame and guilt, maybe this is an opportunity for you to reach out and bury the hatchet. If their guilt is drawing them closer to you then use this to spend time with them and reconnect.
