Whether you want your ex back or just want them to regret ending things, you need to harness the power of your ex’s doubt.
You need them to not only doubt their decision to break up but also doubt themselves as a person.
If you can do this, you’ll make them question everything.
Doubt is a powerful force because it hijacks your rational mind. When you feel a lot of doubt, you’re not really able to think logically.
All you want is relief from this feeling….a sense of certainty that will calm your mind. And since you don’t know the right way forward, your best bet is to seek things from your past that formerly provided that feeling of safety and security and for your ex that’s you.
You’re their source of safety and security.
So that’s where you want your ex to be. You want them to doubt that their reasons for the breakup were valid. You want them to wonder if you actually were the one for them. And you want them to fear that they missed out on happiness by leaving.
And more broadly, you want them to doubt that they’re as big a catch as they think they are. Because, if they ended the relationship, then right now their mind is telling them that they are the winner and you are the loser in this scenario. This isn’t a conscious thought…it’s the natural way humans are wired.
We’re always looking to create a narrative out of any sort of conflict…to make sense of things. And when it comes to a breakup, an easy story to tell is “I’m leaving them in my past because they’re not worth my time. I’m going on to bigger and better things.”
You need to disrupt this narrative by nurturing their doubt. This is actually not a difficult process because, as I said, doubt is such a big part of any breakup. So how do you make your ex doubt themselves?
Banish Your Own Doubt
Well first up, you want to banish YOUR OWN doubt from the equation. I know you’re probably feeling pretty mixed up right now. You’re not sure what you want, who’s at fault for the breakup, and who you’re even mad at.
As we’ll talk about, doubt can really hurt your resolve and make it difficult to move forward. So we need to start by addressing these feelings.
If you can clear your mind of doubt, you will provide a sense of stability that will attract your ex like a magnet. And to do this, you need a plan. Luckily the path I’m going to put you on will not only make your ex doubt themselves, it will also give you confidence and help you free yourself from doubt.
They’re really two sides of the same coin. The more confident and sure of yourself you are, the more your ex will doubt themselves as they become more attracted to you.
But before we get into that, I want you to start by stating your intention. This can feel a little silly but trust me, it works. We’re not talking about manifestation here or magic or anything like that. We’re talking about clarifying your purpose so that you have something to return to when you feel unsure.
So decide what you’re hoping to get out of this. Do you want your ex back? Do you want to make them apologize for how they treated you? Do you just want them to see your point of view for once? All of these are possible.
I want you to get out a piece of paper and write it down. How you want your ex to feel. Where you want to be a month from now. There are no wrong answers here but knowing why you’re doing it is VITAL.
And this is not a one-and-done thing. Some days you’ll feel totally confident you’re on the right path, only to be hit with doubt out of nowhere like a speeding cyber truck. This is normal. You just need to center yourself, remember the plan, and keep moving forward.
Your Ex’s Beliefs
But this will be easier once you know more, so let’s turn to your ex now…Let’s look at their beliefs, the ones we’re looking to sow doubt into.
So we’ve talked about how they see themselves as a winner and you as a loser, essentially, but here are some other beliefs they have about you and about the breakup.
- You’re not going anywhere—you’ll always going to be there if they change their mind.
- They know everything there is to know about you and you’re not going to change.
- You’re depressed and broken after the breakup.
- You’re going to beg them for another chance.
- They’re incredibly attractive and they have many, many other options.
- Whoever you date next will be a downgrade.
- They’re going to forget about you and move on easily.
Remember, these are not all conscious so don’t think that your ex hates you or anything like that.
They’re just telling themselves stories so that they can get over you.
Making Your Ex Question Everything
Now here’s how to make your ex doubt these beliefs…
1. Use the breakup as motivation to win at life
I think it’s totally normal to let a breakup break you, essentially. It’s such a powerful blow to your self esteem to be rejected in this way. And the person you’d normally turn to with these bad feelings has now been ripped away from you. It can be so, so hard.
But you have two options here. You can let this bring you down or you can use it as motivation to rise above it.
The same is true of any adversity in life. It’s cheesy but I like to adopt a “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” outlook. It’s like building muscle. Stress and damage are necessary for growth.
Because breakups are opportunities. You learn a lot about yourself when you’re put in a position like this. Not only does it help clarify your priorities, and your weaknesses but it reveals strength you didn’t know you had. And even if you break down, it gives you access to emotions that normally stay hidden.
So sure, you might not have chosen this but it is an opportunity.
Breakups give you the gift of time and space. You need this to process your feelings and regain your sanity, but don’t stop there. Many people spend their whole breakup period trying to return to the status quo.
But guess what…with your ex gone, there’s no longer a status quo to get back to. You need to actively IMPROVE your life if you want to heal and get over the breakup. You get to decide the new normal for yourself.
So make self improvement your priority. Set goals and take the steps necessary to achieve them. Put yourself first and stop thinking about your ex and your breakup. What do you want out of your life outside of the relationship?
Taking these steps will improve your outlook, your life AND your chances with your ex because it will show them that you’re not the loser they thought you were.
2. Start dating again hard and fast
This can be the hardest step to take after a breakup but it’s VERY helpful if you want to make your ex doubt themselves and regret the breakup.
Take a week or two and then hit the dating scene with everything you’ve got. Get back on the apps, ask your friends to set you up, and so on. The first date will be the hardest, there’s no doubt, but once you’ve been through it will get easier and more enjoyable.
Dating again will give you confidence you didn’t know you had and it will show your ex that you do have other options and you are in demand from other attractive people.
Just don’t date your ex’s friends, obviously. This is going to confirm that they made the right choice and you’re not the one for them.
3. Don’t be pathetic
Breakups bring you down and when you’re down you can exhibit some pretty pathetic behaviour. So your ex expects you to be needy, sad, and just generally pathetic during this time.
This is why I recommend you be really intentional with your actions. I’m sure you feel pretty lost, and that’s when it’s easy to slip into pathetic behaviour, because you’re feeling weak and so it’s easy to let your worst impulses take over.
But if you follow my advice, you’ll be more confident that you know what to do next so you won’t have time to languish in those moments of weakness and make mistakes.
RELATED: Signs Your Ex Is Hurting
Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t cry or vent about your breakup but you need to know where and when to do it. Never complain about the breakup or your loneliness to your ex directly. As far as they know, you should seem totally fine with the breakup and not concerned about them.
And don’t vent to mutual friends or anyone you don’t know you can trust. Breakups are when people start to choose sides so make sure you know who’s on yours.
Other pathetic behaviour includes being too available to your ex, begging for another chance, giving them gifts, doing them favors and just generally bending over backwards for them. Remember, you two are broken up so you don’t owe them anything outside of basic respect and human decency. Their feelings shouldn’t be your priority and doing this stuff is only pushing them further away.
4. Don’t fall into their traps
Yes, your ex is going to set traps for you following the breakup, hoping to get your attention. They’re rarely doing this on purpose but it’s a very common thing that you should watch out for because if you fall into them your ex will look at you differently.
For example, an ex will post a thirst trap, hoping that you’ll respond to it or even reach out to them. They may want to sleep with you or just get you to pay attention to them but either way, this would be a mistake. You can’t show your ex that you’re there for the taking. They need to feel like you’re moving on.
The same goes for your ex reaching out just for validation. So maybe they’ll reach out like “I miss you…” hoping that you’ll respond with something similar.
Remember that “I miss you” and “I want you back” are two different things.
Many make this mistake and scare their exes off by responding too eagerly.
And finally, there’s the friendship trap. Yes, your ex may try to be your friend post-breakup and you must not take them up on this if you want another chance, or even if you want to move on. Because they’re not really trying to be your friend.
They want to keep you around as a safe backup plan. This way they can feel more confident moving forward as a single person, knowing that they can always go back to you if they fail in the dating world. And if they don’t end up wanting you back–which they won’t if you keep hanging around—then they can at least use you for love, affection and support while they get over you.
Many people make this mistake because they just want to keep their ex close, no matter what the situation, but it’s really not a good idea. You won’t get what you want, you’ll just end up feeling worse.
5. Accept the breakup with grace
Most people handle breakups with all the grace of a beached whale. They break down crying, beg for another chance, call each other names—it’s a big mess and it can really hurt the relationship.
If it’s not too late already, you need to do your best to compose yourself. Don’t get drawn into big fights. Resist the urge to lash out. Basically you should accept the breakup and be amicable. Don’t run away but don’t hang around, hounding them for explanations.
During the breakup itself, you can’t win. All you can do is limit the damage.
RELATED: Avoidant Exes Always Come Back
So if your ex is getting heated, screaming and crying and you’re totally calm and collected, they’re going to feel like the crazy one…like it’s them who is at fault and losing everything while you’re being totally reasonable. This is going to flip the script in a major way.
6. Drop them like a bad habit
Many exes will let you stick around almost indefinitely until one day, you notice they’re not answering your calls or messages. This is when you’ll know that they’ve moved on and you’re still stuck in limbo.
You need to beat them to the punch by exiting their life immediately after the breakup.
So do whatever you have to do to tie up loose ends and then get out of there. Stop reaching out to your ex and stop responding to messages unless it’s absolutely necessary.
This sends the message that you’re not going to stick around and wait for them to figure things out.
They wanted a breakup and they’ve got one. Often this shock to the system will be enough to make your ex come crawling back to you but even if it doesn’t, it’s going to make them miss you.
By moving forward and staying away from them you actually prime them to be more receptive if you two do decide to reconnect down the road.
7. Become your hottest self
As important as personality, humour and mutual interests are, attraction is what drew your ex to you in the first place. But after you spend enough time with another person, you stop being able to really see them and that attraction can fade into the background.
And since a breakup brings out the worst in people, it will hurt your ex’s attraction to you in a big, bad way.
So you need to take action to improve your appearance right now. The good news is that it doesn’t take much to remind your ex of what they lost.
Maybe hit the gym a few times, post a thirst trap, get a haircut or go shopping for some new clothes. I had a client who bleached their hair and it completely flipped their ex’s behavior towards them and made them come crawling back.
It sounds crazy but often we break up because we lose that spark of attraction and even a minor change can shine a new light on what we always loved about that person.
8. Get outside help
Your ex expects you to be alone and sad during this time. But they don’t know that I’m in your corner. If you want personalized advice and support to help you win back your ex, I’m here to help.
I work with you one-on-one to find the best ways to change your ex’s mind and get them to come running back to you.
