Are breakups always the end?
What if I told you that a break up could actually be the beginning?
If you follow my advice, it can help you build a better relationship with your ex than you ever thought possible.
So let’s dive into it. Between the hurt feelings, the fighting and the fracturing of your relationship, how can a breakup actually be a good thing? How can you even hope to get a second chance after all you two have been through.
Well first off, you wouldn’t be the first person to make this happen. Breakups actually aren’t the end for many relationships.
According to a 2013 study by Kansas State University, one in three couples who live together have broken up and got back together. That goes for even the worst breakups, including the 38% of people who break up due to infidelity.
And even better, over half of people aged 17-24 have returned to an ex after breaking up.
So the idea that it’s shameful or short-sighted to get back with an ex is something that I really want to push back against. The truth is it happens all the time, even if people don’t always admit it. Relationships are complicated and sometimes you feel like you’ve hit your limit but after a little time and space, chances are you and your ex will realize that you’re actually better off together.
Why Breaking Up Can Help Your Relationship
So why exactly do couples reconcile after breaking up? And how can breaking up help you stay together in the long run?
1. Being apart makes you stronger
Independence is key to a happy relationship. Often couples get into trouble, and then break up, because they rely too much on one other for happiness.
The idea that you NEED your partner to be happy is not healthy because of the implication that they’re responsible for your happiness. So if you’re not happy all the time, they’re doing something wrong. That’s a big burden for you and your partner to take on.
Now that you’re apart, you don’t have anyone to rely on other than yourself. You’ll be forced to figure out how to be happy on your own, develop your life as one person, and find your own interests and your own ways of coping with your struggles.
RELATED: 5 Things That Make An Ex Change Their Mind About Breaking Up
When you come back together you’ll have the reassurance that you don’t need them to survive. You’ll know that you’re together because you’re CHOOSING to spend your time with them because you love and value them as a human being. This may be less romantic than a song by Adele but it’s more sustainable and more healthy in the long run, trust me. She did get divorced after all.
2. Breaking up can be the reality check you need
This pattern is pretty typical in a lot of relationships: you’re in love and things are mostly great so when problems crop up, you just sweep them under the rug. This works for awhile but as more issues crop up, the relationship slowly gets worse and worse without you ever addressing it. Eventually the good column is far outweighed by the bad column.
Then there’s a fight and the relationship reaches a crisis. By now, there’s so much negative that the idea of overcoming this one final issue doesn’t seem worth it so the relationship ends.
But a breakup (or the threat of a breakup) can give you the motivation you need to make real change in the relationship. It puts all the issues out on the table and you can no longer pretend they don’t exist. If you do end up reconciling, you’ll both be aware of these problems and be motivated to fix them.
3. You’ll both see the downsides of being single
I think we can all agree that the single life is rough. You’re expected to meet new people, constantly put yourself out there, and inevitably face rejection and heartbreak from strangers.
And if you feel that way then chances are your ex does too. Sometimes just taking this time apart can make you both realize that you were taking each other for granted. You’ll be much happier staying together than trying to build something new from scratch yet again.
4. It takes distance to get a realistic view of your relationship.
It’s not always easy to see what isn’t working in your relationship because you’re too close. But with some space, you can see it clear as day.
Think about your past relationships. I bet you can look back now and see exactly why they didn’t work out. You didn’t have enough in common, they didn’t treat you right, you wanted different things. But at the time, everything seemed great, right?
This can be the same with your current relationship. After a few weeks or months apart, you can objectively look at the relationship. You can see what worked, and what didn’t and decide what needs to be addressed to make the partnership work.
This distance is often enough to give you the perspective you need to turn the relationship around.
I will caution you that it’s best to hold off on addressing these issues until the two of you have properly reconnected and rebuilt trust. More on that later.
5. It changes the narrative
Relationships can get into ruts really easily. It can actually be worse the closer and more connected you are. Your lives get super in sync, you do everything together and things are great. But soon you realize you always seem to do the same things, you’ve drifted apart from your friends and you’re so entrenched in this routine that it’s hard to even think of your life before the relationship.
A breakup will shake up your day-to-day life in a way that’s going to be uncomfortable but ultimately beneficial.
Maybe you can’t hang out with your usual friends because they took your ex’s side in the breakup? Now you can catch up with other friends who you haven’t seen in forever.
RELATED: Can No Contact Push Your Ex Further Away?
Thursday night was date night? Use that regular time you set aside to take a yoga class, see your family and enjoy some of your newfound freedom.
These are all going to lead to big changes in your life and change is good when you’re in a bad place. If your relationship suffered because you were both bored, a breakup could be just what you needed to realize this.
If you’ve gone through a break up and you’re wondering if your relationship is worth saving, you need to take my free quiz. This tool has helped thousands of people figure out what their next step is after breaking up. It’s totally free, confidential and only takes five minutes.
6. It can help you figure out what you want
Relationships can’t work if you don’t know your own needs. This lack of clarity causes tension because neither person knows what’s expected. Maybe you couldn’t rely on them and that caused resentment. Maybe they were too clingy. Maybe you didn’t show affection the way they needed it. These are all things you need to sort out during your time apart.
Here are a few questions to think over during this time:
- What do I not miss?
- Did I take enough time for myself?
- What’s something I expected from them that was unreasonable?
- Was I fully invested in the relationship?
- What do I miss about them?
- How did they change my life?
- Did I allow them to have freedom in the relationship?
- Did I fulfill their needs?
Answering these questions can help you figure out what you’ll do differently when you get back together.
How To Win Your Ex Back
Now let’s talk about how to get the most out of your breakup and maximize your chances of winning them back. This is the No Contact Method and it’s helped thousands of my clients win back their exes in a short period of time. It’s not easy but it is simple and if you can follow it then your ex will miss you like crazy after only a few weeks.
First, cut contact with your ex.
You and your ex have broken up so act like it. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. Don’t keep hanging around together, calling them on the phone, or even texting. It might seem like a big step to cut off contact but it’s going to help in the long run. If they ended things but won’t leave you alone, cutting off contact will make them realize that this is for real and that they’ll have to treat you better if they want a second chance.
And if you’ve been begging and pleading or even just reaching out to them, you’ve been hurting your chances without even knowing it, no matter how warmly they respond to you.
Next, try new things.
The No Contact period will leave you with a lot of time to yourself and you need to use that time productively. What are some things you didn’t or couldn’t do when you were together? Maybe you always wanted to go hunting but you knew your ex wouldn’t approve. Now’s the time.
Maybe you were too busy to get to the gym as often as you’d like when you were together. This could be your chance to do that triathlon you’ve always wanted.
Maybe you wanted to travel the world but they couldn’t take time off work. Get out there!
You’ve been stuck in a rut for awhile now so make a list of the things you want to do and get out there and do them.
Improve yourself.
If your ex wanted to end things before, are they going to want you back now that you spend all day on the couch, elbow deep in a bag of chips?
This time is a gift. Take stock of your life. Ask yourself “How could it be better?” and then take action. This could mean getting healthy, going to therapy, spending more time with your family, or taking on more responsibility at work. If you set goals and throw yourself into them, pretty soon you won’t be thinking about your breakup. This will also give you a huge boost of confidence to see tangible, positive changes in your life.
And seeing you go for your dreams will impress your ex and make them wonder why they ever wanted to break up.
Date new people.
Dating may be the last thing you want to do right now but it’s going to help, trust me. Dating someone new will give you a chance to practice dating again, get some confidence and relight that romantic spark that may have been missing towards the end of your relationship. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that it will make your ex super jealous.
If you’re really struggling to get yourself to a place where you can put your ex out of your mind and go on another date, consider getting some outside help. I’ll listen to your side of the story and together we can put together a plan to make the most of your No Contact period and win back your ex when it’s over.
The truth is, whether you got dumped, broke up with them, and even if you’re just taking a break from the relationship, you can’t waste your time pining for them. Sure you miss them. Sure, you feel horrible and you’re going to do everything in your power to fix this but this time apart is happening whether you like it or not so you need to get something out of it. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your relationship. The more you make the most of this time the better partner you’ll be when you’re back together.
