Avoidant Exes Always Come Back

If your ex is avoiding you does that mean they don’t want you?

Actually, your ex may just be what’s called an avoidant.

If your ex is avoidant, it can be really hard to reconnect with them after the breakup.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

While an avoidant ex can be difficult, there are ways that you can break through their barriers and reach them so you can get that second chance.

In fact–and this is the good news for you–avoidant exes are actually FAR MORE likely to come back than your average ex is. And that may surprise you because there’s something that nearly everyone gets wrong about avoidants.

Attachment Theory And Your Ex

To understand this, we need to go over the basics of what it means to be avoidant and that means we need to talk about attachment styles.

I won’t go too deep into it here—I recently made a whole video on this topic but what you need to know is that avoidant is one of the four attachment styles.

Everyone has an attachment style. This determines the way that you create an attachment to another person, whether that’s romantic, platonic, family, whatever. If you’re connecting with another person on a deeper level, your attachment style is going to come into play and determine HOW you interact with this person.

Anxious And Avoidant Attacment

If you’re here then chances are you have an anxious attachment style and your ex is avoidant. This is a VERY common pattern in relationships and breakups.

What this dictates is how you respond when it comes to moments of connection or disconnection in your relationship. So I’m talking like one of you says I love you, or you sleep together for the first time, those would be moments of connection. And then there are moments of disconnection: one of you doesn’t reply to a text, you have a fight, you forget their middle name.

Basically, you experience a moment that causes a change in the status quo of the relationship. This can feel destabilizing, even if it’s something good. Now how do you respond to this?

Someone with an anxious attachment style will try to get CLOSER to their partner after something like this. So they’ll say “Oh, they didn’t text me back. They don’t like me. I need to reach out to them again and pull them closer to me.”

On the other hand, the avoidant person will do the exact opposite. They’ll say “Oh they didn’t respond to my text. Maybe they don’t like me. I’m going to give them a lot of space and do my own thing. I’ll distance myself so I don’t get hurt.”

You see that both people are having the same experience here but just taking different approaches to safeguarding their emotions.

Now let’s talk about some hallmarks of avoidants, just so we know what we’re talking about here.

Avoidants value their own independence and tend to have fewer friends and connections

They sometimes struggle to make connections with other people because of their tendency to withdraw socially.

RELATED: They’re Your Ex For A Reason and Other Breakup Myths

During conflict they may stonewall you or give you the silent treatment. This can be extremely difficult to deal with during and after a breakup, as I’m sure you know.

And even if they don’t outright stonewall, they’ll tend to avoid conflict by changing the subject or minimizing it or they might even tell you what you want to hear to end the conversation.

Another hallmark of avoidants is that they’ll run for the door at the first sign of conflict OR commitment.

Now hearing all this you may think that avoidants don’t want closeness and intimacy with another person. They want to be left alone and all you’re doing is providing them a momentary distraction from the solitary life that they’ve chosen.

But this is wrong. Avoidants do want closeness and intimacy the same as any other person does, even more so in some cases. And THIS is what people get wrong about avoidants.

They think that they’re all lone wolves or something like that. No, they want love and affection, but they just don’t always respond in the best way when they experience it…because it scares them.

In fact, a lot of the time when you feel like they don’t care at all because they’re shutting you out, they’re really sitting there, kicking themselves because they feel unable to connect with you in that moment. They want to just hold you so bad but it’s like there’s a wall they can’t get over.

So don’t think that your avoidant ex is totally over you. Chances are they miss you and love you, they just don’t know how to show it.

The truth is that they feel threatened by closeness. They lack the emotional tools to deal with it and so it feels overwhelming and destabilizing.

And that’s why I say that most avoidants come back, even more often than other attachment styles. Because often the reason that they leave in the first place isn’t about any real issue in the relationship…not really.

I’m sure that they seemed to have a good reason at the time but what’s really happening is that they’re making an excuse just to get that distance from you.

They think they need that distance to feel comfortable and safe but when they get it, they realize that it’s not what they wanted at all. That’s when they’ll start to miss you and, eventually, they’ll come sniffing around, hoping for another chance.

How To Approach Your Avoidant Ex

Now does that mean they’re just waiting for you to call and they’ll come running and jump back into your arms?

No, that is not the solution here. In fact, even though they may want you more than you think, you actually need to be more cautious and slow than you normally would because of their avoidant tendencies.

I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense logically but they will still feel threatened and run for the hills if you try too hard to reconnect because that’s just the pattern that they’re familiar with in relationships.

So first off, as always, you know that I’m going to suggest that you go No Contact for a period of time following the breakup. You may have heard this before but it’s especially important with an avoidant ex.

Remember, they need that space both to start to miss you and process the breakup, but also to get that sense of safety and independence that they felt was missing in the relationship.

This will go a long way to repairing what has been broken between you. You don’t even need to do anything more than that in many cases. Just getting some space will make them realize that they need you in their life and they’ll swallow their pride and come back to try again.

But if they don’t come running back because they’re stubborn or afraid to open up, or whatever, you’re going to have to make the first move to get things started.

Remember, despite their rough exterior, they’re actually very sensitive people so act accordingly…and don’t make any sudden movements.

Basically just take it very slow and don’t demand too much of them right off the bat. I know you’re ready to just jump back into a relationship but they need to ease in so that they can keep that sense of independence that’s so important to their peace of mind.

And this advice goes from how you approach them the first time after the breakup, to how you handle your first few meetings, right up until you decide to get back together and into the actual relationship.

I know that you may not be used to interacting with them in this way. Especially if you’re an anxious person, you’re used to connecting more directly and more intensely. It’s going to feel out of character for you and so it will be very difficult. But if you can master this, your ex will warm up to you and it will make the whole process so much easier, trust me.

So with that in mind, don’t make a lot of big asks of them right off the bat. If they’re not ready to see you, don’t push it. Just talk, have fun together, and rebuild that relationship rather than worrying about next steps.

Alongside that, you MUST give them space during this process. So don’t text every day and if they take a little while to respond, don’t freak out. Remember that this doesn’t mean they’re not interested, it just means that they’re still feeling things out.

It’s very important to let them set the pace during this process. You don’t want to recreate the conditions of your last relationship. Sure, you may be able to get them to agree to get back together but we’re talking long term here. You want to set yourself up for success for the long haul.

Now, as I’ve said, this is a delicate process. It’s all about showing a bit of interest and then backing away. It’s like flirting. You don’t want them to KNOW that you want them 100%. You’re trying to create that tension that will keep them wanting more.

To do that, you need to focus on shifting your own perspective. To better connect with an avoidant you need to address your own anxious behavior.

The funny thing is that anxious and avoidant couples are actually very common for a simple reason: avoidants struggle to connect and anxious people desperately want to connect.

So avoidants will put up walls and try to back away and anxious people will blow right through them. In the short term, this is flattering for the avoidants who often feel like they’re difficult to love, but in the long term, it ends up being unsatisfying for both parties.

The avoidant feels like they’re being rushed and overwhelmed. It’s like they’re being asked to do more than they can handle.

And the anxious partner feels as though they’re not being given enough love and always having to ask for more…not a very good feeling. We want to break this cycle this time around so you can have a more healthy relationship.

And since you can’t change your ex, you’ll have to modify your behaviour a bit. If you’ve watched this far, you’re already well on your way to making this happen because you’ll be able to see this pattern at work. When they pull away, you’ll know not to chase after them.

But it’s going to be hard sometimes. You’ll need to do your best to hold onto this perspective. Look at your life from a top down view. Remember that this relationship isn’t the only thing that matters. It’s not your only source of happiness here.

Whenever you find yourself obsessing over the relationship, over what your ex is thinking or feeling and you get that clingy urge, take a step back and breathe.

This is the time to turn to the other things that bring you joy in life: your friends, your family, your hobbies. It feels counterintuitive but this will actually bring you together in the long run.

One thing that triggers an avoidant partner is feeling like they’re the other person’s sole focus. If you can show them that you’re independent and secure in your life, they’re going to be more attracted to you than ever because they won’t feel pressured.

And when you do see or talk to your ex, resist the urge to talk about the relationship, the breakup, what they’re looking for, who they’re dating, really anything like that. I know you want to know but answering these questions is not worth pushing them away, is it?

Your time is much better spent just chatting, laughing and reconnecting. That’s why I say to live in the moment when you’re with your ex. You can’t change the past and you don’t want to get caught up in what the future holds and miss out on the present.

Here’s another important thing to remember: don’t take their behavior personally.

Remember that this is how they deal with everyone. It doesn’t mean that they don’t like you or don’t love you or want you. It’s the fact that they struggle to connect that is keeping them away.

So don’t go “wow I haven’t talked to them in a few days” or “they’re being so quiet. They must be over me. I should call them and see what’s wrong.” Try to remember that this is just a quirk of their attachment style and if you give them a little space, they’re more likely to come back.