Did you know that learning how to say no and reject your ex can actually help you win them back?
I know that you just want to agree with your ex and do whatever they say but this actually hurts your chances
If you can learn how and when to say no to your ex, you’re going to actually make them want you more than ever.
This is something that so many people struggle with but it is vital if you want a second chance.
So, let’s talk about 7 scenarios where you should reject your ex…
#1: Say no if your ex tries to bait you into a fight.
This isn’t that common, but it is one of the most important times you should say no to your ex (or at least, shut down the discussion before it spirals into an argument).
Basically, any time your ex tries to stir up any kind of drama, you need to recognize what’s going on, take the high road, and politely back out of the conversation before things get heated.
You might think that this won’t apply to your ex, because they’re not that type of person but (as I’ve seen working with tens of thousands of people in the midst of a breakup) heartbreak can make otherwise rational and level-headed people do crazy things.
Your ex may try to bait you into an argument because if you get mad at them, they’ll have a reason to justify hurting you by breaking up.
They may just be feeling angry that the relationship had to end, and try to take it out on you.
They might even just try to get revenge because they’re bitter after learning you’re dating again.
Regardless of the exact specifics, you need to avoid taking the bait and never let yourself engage.
If your ex says something hurtful, or asks you why you did or said something that upset them, don’t respond.
There are a few situations where you can’t avoid a conversation. In these cases, find a diplomatic way to shut down the conversation before it spirals out of control or turns into a real argument.
Because if you let your ex drag you into fights, it’s only going to help them further justify the breakup in their own mind, and associate the thought of you with drama and negativity.
#2: Say no if your ex wants to be friends.
Ok, if you’ve watched any of my videos, you may already be familiar with this one and yet, so many people still seem to fall victim to this trap.
It feels like being friends with your ex would be better than losing them altogether, right? At least then you can keep them close, and maybe work your way back into their arms eventually…
Only, that’s almost never how it actually works out. Instead, you end up in a platonic relationship with your ex, which just helps them wean themselves off of you and even keep you around as a backup plan for your ex.
I’ve written about why you shouldn’t be friend with your ex in the past but for now, just say no to being friends with your ex.
If they outright ask you to stay friends, either during the initial breakup or at any point thereafter, respond with something like, “As much as I’d like to, I don’t think being friends is a good idea for now while I’m focused on moving on.”
#3: Say no if your ex wants to sleep with you.
In most situations, you don’t want to sleep with your ex until they commit to getting back together and being in a real relationship again.
You should normally deprive them of any physical intimacy, especially sex, until you get what you’re after: a second chance at an actual committed relationship.
There is one exception to this but for the most part (or if in doubt about whether it’s a good idea) err on the side of caution and don’t sleep with your ex until you’re back together.
Now, if your ex is a man, there is really no situation where it’s ever going to be a good idea to have sex with him. At least, assuming you want him back.
It’s definitely not true that guys only want to get in your pants, but it is true to some extent that sex tends to be less of an emotional bonding experience for men than women.
It’s not black and white, but it tends to be generally at least mostly true, and for that reason there’s no real reason to sleep with your ex, and it’s only going to give him the benefits of being in a relationship with you without the commitment.
If your ex is a woman, I only recommend sleeping with her if you’re very close to sealing the deal and actually getting her to take you back.
RELATED: Why Your Ex Takes So Long To Text You Back
In other words, if your ex is being super flirty, showing plenty of signs that they’re strongly considering asking you to get back together and you’ve spent lots of positive, quality time together and really re-built the attraction and intimacy, then and only then do you stand to benefit from sleeping with your ex.
As I said, women tend to view sex as a more emotional bonding experience than men do, so in those situations the intimacy of sex can seal the deal and make her decide that getting back together is the right choice.
If your ex girlfriend is just drunk texting you at 2am, it’s a booty call, and you should say no. At least, if you care about maximizing your chances of winning her back more than you care about sleeping with her.
#4: Say no if your ex wants the best of both worlds.
This ties in nicely with the last point… and it’s also a mistake that I see a LOT of my clients make without realizing it.
What do I mean by “letting your ex have the best of both worlds”? Well, your ex is almost certainly feeling at least some doubts about the breakup. They’re confident enough in their decision to commit to a breakup for now, but it’s rare that someone is truly certain that breaking up was the right choice.
Most people want to keep their ex around as a sort of backup plan in case they change their mind or can’t handle the heartache and loneliness… and they want to keep you close so that you continue to be there to support them emotionally and numb the pain of missing you.
Essentially, by continuing to see you and talk to you after the breakup. In some cases, by acting as though the breakup didn’t really happen at all, they’re trying to retain all the benefits of being in a relationship with you, while also avoiding the responsibilities and commitment that come with it.
It’s just like letting your ex sleep with you. They want to see what the single life is like, maybe date around a bit, not feel obligated to check in with you or spend time with you when it’s not convenient for them… all while keeping you at arm’s length, stringing you along until they’re fully over you or they find someone new.
You simply can’t allow your ex to enjoy this privileged position by continuing to act as though you’re still together, but not officially.
You can’t let your ex think they can pick up the phone and talk to you or meet up with you any time they miss you or they’re bored. They need to understand that by breaking up with you, they’re going to lose you and all the great things you brought to their life. You can’t let them have the best of both worlds and string you along as a backup plan or a crutch to help them adjust to life without you.
#5: Sometimes say no when your ex wants to hang out.
Like we just talked about, your ex may very well want to see you and be around you… without having to commit to a relationship, or do any of the other things that come along with being a couple. And similarly, they may feel entitled to hang out with you whenever they feel like it… or they may expect you to drop everything whenever they call and try to make plans with you.
Now, assuming you’ve already completed some kind of No Contact period, then you actually do want the opportunity to see your ex in person, to flirt, build organic attraction and sexual tension, and so on.
Bit you can’t just be willing to always reschedule your plans or drop everything and do whatever your ex asks whenever it’s convenient for them!
Remember: you have your own interesting, busy, successful life. You have work, school, friends, family, and hobbies of your own.
Sure you want to see your ex, but not always on their terms. If your ex proposes doing something that conflicts with your schedule, or you’ve already agreed to 2 or 3 things they’ve suggested in the recent past, consider saying no next time they ask you to meet up.
Propose an alternate time, or just say you’re busy and will have to catch up another time soon.
This is all about building a sense of urgency and the fear of loss for your ex and making it clear that you’re a desirable, interesting person with lots going on outside of your relationship and your ex.
Could this kind of thing be considered “playing mind games”? Sure, it could be, but it works.
I’ve seen it work over and over again, in fact, with countless coaching clients over the years.
#6: Say no if your ex tries to play games.
Ok, I know what you’re thinking: I just told you that you should play some mind games on my ex to get them back.
And that’s true, I did. But that doesn’t mean you should allow your ex to play games with you. Don’t get played.
This could really manifest in a lot of ways, but commonly your ex might try to play the victim card, bait you into an argument, or try to make you jealous.
They could give you the hot and cold treatment for extended periods of time, obviously trying to string you along.
They might try to manipulate you into doing something, contact your friends and family, spread rumours, or show up unexpectedly.
Whatever the case, do your very best to spot these kinds of mind games for what they are and don’t give your ex what they’re after. Don’t play ball. Take the high road, ignore their messages or diplomatically talk your way out of the situation so your ex doesn’t get the satisfaction or the end result they’re looking for.
#7: Say no if your ex asks for a favour.
This one might seem obvious to you, but unfortunately (of fortunately) a lot of my clients are genuinely nice people, who are normally happy to do a favour for anyone in their life, including their ex. And while it might be a really nice gesture, it can also make you look like a pushover.
Of course, if you were still together with your ex, you would likely say yes if they asked you to proofread their English paper or drive them home from the bar but now that your ex has decided to give up on the relationship, you’re no longer obligated or expected to do these kinds of things for your ex.
They can ask a friend, a family member, hire a tutor or call a taxi.
You’re not going to bend over backwards just to help your ex out, because you’re busy living a new and interesting life without them and you don’t have time or the desire to run errands for them.
If they want that kind of thing from you, they can ask you to get back together. And hopefully, if you do everything I recommend, they will be asking you to come back to them sooner than later.
