If you’ve ever gone No Contact on an avoidant ex, you probably found that this totally transformed how they treated you.
They became much more interested, more receptive to your advances, and seemed almost addicted to you.
But why is this? Why does No Contact cause an avoidant to become addicted?
Well the truth is that the particular psychological quirks that cause someone to become avoidant, also makes them powerless against No Contact. Let me explain how this works.
What Does It Mean To Be Avoidant?
But what does it mean to be an avoidant? Basically, avoidant attachment is a psychological quirk that makes it difficult for people to connect with others. People with avoidant attachment—avoidants—find emotional intimacy to be too intense so they tend to pull away, stonewall, and give the silent treatment to the people they care about.
If you’ve ever felt like your partner has one foot out the door, if they’ve ever gone ice cold out of nowhere, or if they’ve avoided intimacy and closeness, chances are they’re an avoidant.
Avoidants are individuals who value their independence above all else. They have a deep-seated fear of vulnerability and often see emotional closeness as a threat to their autonomy. But they’re not loners. Despite what some may think: they do still crave connection—just on their terms.
This can lead to a pretty unstable relationship. You try to get closer to them and they pull away without warning. But with one simple technique, we can change all that.
I think of it this way. Have you ever fed a bird by hand? The bird is quite scared of you, but at the same time, it really wants the food. So it might get close, fly away, come back, get a little closer.
Eventually it will get close enough to eat the food but it will never fully let its guard down. And when it gets its fill, it’ll get far away from you as fast it possibly can. This is your ex, in a nutshell. They want the closeness but it scares them.
That’s why, if you’re here, it’s likely that your partner ended the relationship. And you can bet that, even if it wasn’t the primary cause, their avoidant attachment played a huge role in this decision. That emotional intimacy scared the hell out of them.
And that’s where you are right now. There’s this gulf between you two and since they’re really good at avoiding their feelings—and you, it seems like there’s now way to cross it.
But here’s where it gets interesting. When you initiate the No Contact rule—that is, you go silent and cut off all communication with your ex—things will all begin to change.
This doesn’t make sense, logically. I mean, you’re giving the avoidant exactly what they think they want: space and freedom. But by doing so, you’re also triggering a psychological response that makes them start to miss you intensely.
Tactic 1: Leverage the Power of Absence
You know the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”? Well, it’s especially true for avoidants. By disappearing from their radar, you’re activating something called “the scarcity principle.”
Basically, this is the idea that things that are less available are more valuable in our eyes.
It’s like how if you’re thinking of buying a shirt online and it suddenly says “this is the last one,” then you feel more driven to buy it. But when something is readily accessible, we tend to take it for granted. But once it’s gone, we realize its true value.
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This is especially relevant for avoidants. They see intimacy as difficult and threatening. So, in a way, they feel like there’s too much of it. Too much love, too much closeness—-too much you.
So when you go No Contact, your ex feels like you’re no longer available to them, so you become more desirable. Your sudden absence creates a void they weren’t prepared for. They’re left wondering why you’ve stopped reaching out, and this curiosity can quickly turn into longing.
They just wanted a little space. They weren’t prepared to be totally alone like this.
Tactic 2: Trigger Their Fear of Loss
Avoidants might act aloof, but deep down, they fear abandonment just like anyone else. In fact, avoidants actually fear abandonment MORE than the average person. As we’ve said, avoidants struggle to form connections to other people because of their tendency to run away from closeness.
Most avoidants are painfully aware of this pattern and they know that they are the root cause of this problem.
So when they lose someone they care about, they feel totally responsible and this can be really crushing, since they know that if they could just accept the love they were given, they’d still have you in their life.
So more than the breakup itself, going No Contact triggers this fear in a huge way.
They start to question if they’ve lost you for good, which will make them miss you and want you back like nothing else.
Here’s a real-life example: Sarah and Mark dated for six months. Mark was an avoidant. Whenever things started to get serious, he would pull away, leaving Sarah feeling insecure.
After their breakup, Sarah decided to go No Contact. Two weeks in, Mark started liking her old photos on Instagram and eventually sent her a text saying, “Hey, just thinking about you.” By stepping back, Sarah allowed Mark to face his fear of losing her, prompting him to reinitiate contact.
Sarah wanted him back so bad but she followed my advice and played it cool. Over time, they were able to reconnect and I’m happy to report that they’re now back together.
Tactic 3: Mirror Their Behavior
Here’s a common pattern when dating an avoidant. You two naturally grow closer as time passes.
After a certain point, they start to feel like this is too much closeness. Instead of talking about it, they pull away, leaving you wondering what the hell happened.
This makes you worry. You’re afraid that they’re losing feelings. Maybe you’ve done something to upset them.
So either you try to have a conversation with them about this, or you take the indirect approach and just try to get more closeness with them by reaching out more or being more affectionate. Either approach is bound to cause them to pull away even further and the process repeats.
What you really needed to do—both during the relationship and after the breakup—is match their energy. So when they pull back, you pull back.
This makes them feel like you respect their unspoken boundaries. It makes them feel like you’re a safe place for them because you won’t demand that closeness that they can’t handle.
This mirroring disrupts the usual push-pull dynamic, making them more likely to come to you. And this works just as well with an ex as it does with a partner.
For instance, if they take a day to reply to your text, you do the same. This isn’t about playing games; it’s about setting mutual expectations and respecting boundaries.
This may seem silly but it’s actually been backed up by psychology over and over again. It’s called reactance.
Reactance theory suggests that when individuals perceive their freedom is being restricted, they react by trying to reclaim that freedom. This often results in them doing the opposite of what they feel pressured to do.
So if your partner or your ex feels pressured to get closer to you, this makes them feel like they have no choice in the matter.
Like you’ve made the decision for them and they resent that. So even if they know that they actually want that closeness, they reject it because it’s not on their terms. They rebel by running away.
By not contacting your avoidant ex, you’re no longer restricting their freedom. And over time, they start to feel like they’ve lost you. When they realize that the only thing standing in their way is themselves, they’ll reach out to you and try to get you back.
Tactic 4: Show Off Your Vibrant Life
While you’re in No Contact, live your life to the fullest. Engage in activities that make you genuinely happy. This isn’t about making them jealous; it’s about becoming the best version of yourself.
So take your time to mourn the breakup and then do your best to dive back into life and make the most of your newfound time and space from your ex.
Get into new hobbies. Be more active. Take chances and do things that you’ve always wanted to do but never had the time or courage to do.
When they see that you’re thriving without them, it can stir up a mix of emotions. They’ll feel intrigued, impressed, and sad. All of these emotions will draw them closer to you over time.
Let me tell you about Alex. After his avoidant girlfriend, Lisa, broke up with him, he was devastated. Instead of begging her to come back, he decided to focus on himself. He started a band, picked up surfing, and even adopted a rescue dog.
A month into No Contact, Lisa started seeing photos of Alex enjoying life. She remembered the fun-loving guy she fell for and began to miss him. One evening, she sent him a message: “Looks like you’re doing well. Would love to catch up sometime.”
By elevating his own life, Alex not only healed himself but also reignited Lisa’s interest.
People like to make this stuff more complicated than it has to be.
They get caught up in their emotions and their regret and refuse to take the easy steps that actually make a difference. So get up, get out there and start living your life again.
Tactic 5: Respect Their Need for Autonomy
Avoidants cherish their independence. By demonstrating that you respect their need for space, you reduce their fear of being smothered. So when you do re-establish contact, keep interactions light and pressure-free.
For example, if they reach out, you might respond with a friendly but casual tone. Avoid heavy relationship talk unless they initiate it. This approach makes them feel safe and more open to deepening the connection.
I know that you can’t read their mind, but it’s important to empathize with your ex. Avoidant behavior often stems from past experiences where emotional closeness led to pain or disappointment.
By showing understanding and patience, you show them that they don’t have to fear rejection or abandonment. You can be a steady presence in their life without threatening their independence.
Remember, this isn’t about changing who they are but about navigating the relationship dynamics more effectively.
Tactic 6: Cultivate Patience
Avoidants may take longer to process their emotions. Patience is your ally here. Avoid bombarding them with messages or ultimatums. Give them the time they need to come to their own conclusions.
Remember, you don’t want them to feel pressured or constrained. If you give them the space to process, most times they’re going to realize that you are the right choice for them.
That’s another benefit of living your life to the fullest right now. It’s going to allow time to pass without you obsessing over your ex. Because when you obsess over your ex, you’re going to make mistakes like reaching out to them too much.
And as time passes, you allow another psychological principle to take root.
Let me ask you this. Do you think more about sweeping the floor when it’s dirty or when it’s clean? The reason for this is pretty obvious: you think about the unfinished task because you still need to complete it.
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This idea that people remember unfinished tasks better than completed ones is called the Zeigarnik Effect. So by leaving something unfinished, you essentially leave an open loop in your mind.
And this is what’s happening when you go No Contact and give your ex space. By withdrawing suddenly, you’ve left a psychological loop open in their mind. They feel compelled to seek closure, which means reaching out to you.
So you can see how leveraging psychological principles really does improve your chances with your ex. And—alongside that—by focusing on your own well-being, you create the best possible conditions to make this happen.
Remember, the goal isn’t to manipulate your ex but to create a dynamic where both parties can reconnect authentically.
