One of the main reasons that long term relationships come to and end is that people grow apart.
But what does it mean to grow apart from your partner?
And is it fixable, or is it better to just move on and start over with someone new?
The truth is that growing apart isn’t usually what you think and in most situations you can reconnect with your ex even if you feel that you’ve grown apart. I’ll explain how.
When I became a breakup coach almost fifteen years ago now, I knew that I’d face some tough situations with breakups that felt impossible to solve. But growing apart was something I didn’t really consider.
I assumed at first that this was a dead end…that if you and your partner grew apart, that there was basically nothing that could be done about it.
But then I met Lawrence. Lawrence reached out to me over ten years ago now. He was heartbroken.
He thought everything was fine in his relationship with his partner Kara. Then one day she came home from her band practice and told him it was over. She felt like they were growing apart and there was nothing that they could do to fix it.
A week later she had moved out and he was left with an empty apartment and an empty heart.
And that’s how quickly it can happen. This is something that people often don’t talk about because they don’t know how.
It seems like the problem just gets worse and worse over time and one day it’s too late, and you just look at that other person and you can’t relate to who they’ve become.
This is what it means to grow apart.
Lawrence met Kara when they were in high school. They were both on the track team and they started talking on the bus to one of their meets.
A month later, they were inseparable. And they never left each other’s side in the fifteen years since.
They enrolled in the same college right out of high school and moved in together.
After graduation, Kara got a job as a music teacher and Lawrence got an entry level position for an accounting firm. They were really happy to be working in their fields and coming home to one another every night.
But then time passed. Lawrence rose to a prominent position in his firm and he was working long hours. Around tax season they wouldn’t see each other for days. Meanwhile, Kara worked as a music teacher at a local high school and started a band.
They spent less and less time together and when they did, they found that they had trouble talking about their lives. They didn’t understand each other’s problems or even their successes. They tried to be supportive but they were losing their ability to connect.
After a couple of years of drifting apart, Kara decided to just end it and leave Lawrence behind.
This was heartbreaking to hear, but the more I talked to Lawrence, the more I started to understand what it meant to grow apart and how this could be remedied, with the right course of action.
Let me share with you the solution that I found. But in order to understand, first you need to understand what went wrong.
What It Means To “Grow Apart”
Many people treat growing apart like it’s some unstoppable process that happens completely organically and is sad, but ultimately necessary if you’re going to be able to grow as a person and find your true self.
I think that while this makes sense on paper, it’s actually the wrong way of looking at it.
I believe that you can create a relationship where you have room to change quite drastically and still retain that connection. In fact, this growth can make your relationship even stronger.
And that means growing apart does not mean the end of your relationship. If you’re willing to work through it, you can often find happiness together again.
But what exactly is growing apart?
While I think we all know in general what we’re talking about here, it’s important to be specific. Because this is quite a subtle process at times. And because I know that a few of you are like poor Lawrence…blindsided that this happened at all and not knowing what it means or what to do about it.
I think the biggest sign of growing apart is the feeling that you can’t relate to this person anymore.
Once you two were on the same page about just about everything. It was like you shared a brain.
You’d set up a joke and they’d say the punchline. You’d ask them what they wanted for dinner and they’d say the exact thing you were thinking of. This is a great feeling.
But I will also say that this can also be quite an immature feeling and it’s one that you experience most often in relationships between young people who haven’t really figured themselves out yet.
In fact, the younger you are, the most you’ll have in common with the average person. It’s normal for people to become more distinct as we grow older and have certain life experiences that push them in a specific direction.
I think the mistake we make is wanting our romantic partners to be exactly like us.
We think that we need to think and feel the exact same way to have a connection. So we look for someone who is as similar to us as possible and then find that the connection suffers as we grow and change over time.
But let’s be more specific here.
One of the reasons we grow apart is that aspects of us change. We develop different values and interests than the other person.
This is actually one of the situations that can be the hardest to overcome. So if you want to live a frugal lifestyle and retire early, and your partner needs to have a new car and a 5-star vacation every year, then the two of you are going to struggle to create a life together.
If you want to travel the world and they want to stay in their home town to be close to their family then you may be too different to make things work.
But typically it’s not this extreme. Usually it’s more like one person is a little more adventurous and the other is a little more closed off. Or one person loves skiing while the other just wants to stay in and watch movies. Things like that.
Another reason we may grow apart over time is if we fail to create a life *together*.
So say you’ve been dating five years and you still don’t live together, spend time with one another’s families or travel together. I mean, then it’s no wonder that the two of you aren’t connecting like you used to. Your relationship has stalled out at some point and it’s making it impossible to really connect.
Connection comes from sharing experiences, both good and bad. So if you don’t care for one another when you get sick or injured, if you don’t get stuck in the airport together for hours and if you never do an escape room, you’re not really making these memories that are so important if you want to build a real connection.
Essentially life is going to come along and try to push you and your partner apart, if you let it. You NEED to be doing things to counteract that. This doesn’t always have to be a deliberate process but if your relationship is suffering, you’d better get on top of it and fast.
Now, believe it or not, spending all of your time together and talking every second of the day isn’t necessarily the answer here. Because I found that many couples who were severely codependent in this way were actually the ones who grew apart.
This is because of a process called *habituation*. Basically, if you’re together too much you can start to take each other for granted. They start to blend in with the wallpaper and you no longer see where they end and you begin.
In these situations you get so used to your roles in the relationship that you start to feel like you can’t grow or change and, ironically, the resentment that builds starts to push you apart.
And resentment is another big factor here. Resentment towards a partner can often build slowly.
At first you think “hey, they didn’t take out the garbage. It would be nice but it’s not a big deal.” But when it’s the twentieth time you open the cabinet and see that the trash is overflowing, you’re filled with anger towards this other person.
If you fail to address it, resentment will build up and drive a wedge between you. Because that resentment becomes something like a secret…it’s this big bad thing in the middle of the relationship that you’re not talking about.
And the more parts of your life that you feel you have to keep from your partner, the less you’ll be on the same page and the more you’ll feel like you’re growing apart.
Now I know this is a lot of information. And how does any of it help? I mean, how can you address these issues now that you’ve broken up?
How To Repair The Damage If You Grew Apart
There are tangible steps you can take here to bridge this gap and reconnect with your ex.
#1. Create more space.
Yes, I know that you want to come together, but first you need to create a little more space between yourself and your ex. Or capitalize on the space that’s already there.
So if you and your ex are already not speaking then—while I know it doesn’t feel like it—you’re actually in a good place.
Because cutting those ties can be messy and you need this more complete separation if you’re going to heal and come back together.
You need to spend at least a few weeks–or longer, depending on the length of your relationship—cut off from your ex as much as possible. This means no hanging out, no phone calls, no texting, no social media interactions….nothing.
Only interact with your ex if it’s essential because NOT responding will cause them to become upset.
This is going to feel impossible, but that’s what makes it so necessary.
As with many relationship issues, the space you get from a breakup can be a HUGE source of healing for both of you. I mean, if codependency was your issue, then being apart for a few weeks can be enough to show you both what went wrong and how to fix it.
Space also helps you see what WAS working in the relationship. Because growing apart doesn’t mean that every aspect of the relationship wasn’t working. Often growing apart means issues in just a few areas of the relationship.
These issues are clearly very important and shouldn’t be just swept under the rug, but with some perspective, you’ll see that they’re not the insurmountable problems you thought.
And beyond that, this space will make your ex miss you like nothing else. It really is a total game changer for any breakup, but especially in this specific situation.
But time and space alone won’t typically be enough here. So what’s next?
#2. Accept that you grew apart.
More than anything, you need to ACCEPT the fact that the two of you grew apart. I see so many people fail to win back their ex because they’re caught up in arguing with them. They say “we didn’t grow apart. Things are perfect. You’re hiding something. Are you cheating on me?”
This kind of denial just leads to giant blow-out fights because it shows your ex that you’re not willing to see what they’re seeing. I mean, is there any better evidence of you two growing apart than you refusing to even admit that there’s a problem? You can’t be more far apart than that.
So face the music and accept that you two HAVE grown apart and that your connection has suffered as a result. This doesn’t mean admitting defeat. It means recognizing you’re at a crossroads.
I’m going to give you a reason to hold onto hope, and it’s this:
Very different people CAN be happy in a relationship together. I think this is something that we lose sight of when we talk about growing apart.
In fact, after a breakup of a long term relationship, what happens? Most often the person that you date next is going to be VERY different from your ex… and also from you.
You’ll be shocked how happy you can be with someone you have so little in common with. It happens all the time.
So think about your ex. You were once very similar people. Are they really that different now? Or is it just that your connection suffered and you didn’t know how to fix it?
#3. Don’t act like your ex.
This is going to sound strange, but I think that it’s something that many people naturally do when they’ve been told they’re growing apart. And that is they try to bridge the gap by acting more like their ex.
This means getting into the same hobbies as them, adopting their attitudes and agreeing with them.
That’s always going to feel weird and unnatural. It won’t be sustainable and it just won’t work for anybody. It’s just going to feel like you’re kissing their ass and it won’t be attractive.
Essentially you need to stop chasing after them, hoping they’ll see that you’re not so different. Because you both HAVE changed and you’re not going to be able to convince them otherwise, especially now that you’ve broken up.
#4. Create a new dynamic.
Instead of acting more like your ex, act more like yourself.
That’s really the key here. You need to create a new dynamic between the two of you. Honestly, that’s where this breakup can work to your advantage. Because it forces you to rebuild your connection from the ground up.
But this only works if you’re willing to look inside and see who you really are.
This doesn’t have to be some big journey of self discovery or anything like that. It’s more about looking for the way communication broke down between the two of you.
I’m betting you’ll find the biggest reason is that you weren’t acknowledging all the changes you two have gone through.
You were trying to talk to each other the way you had all along and you were finding that you weren’t connecting in the same way. So throw out the script.
So when you’re talking to your ex, try to share a more honest version of yourself. You’re not going to transform completely—you still want them to see that person they were so in love with—but it’s about showing them that you have depth they didn’t know about.
#5. Take an interest in your ex.
So beyond being more authentic yourself, you need to take a deeper look at your ex. Because part of the reason for the breakup is that you weren’t seeing them clearly. You were seeing the version of them that you thought you knew.
And you were seeing all the ways that they failed to live up to that. But I need you to look at how they’ve grown and matured over time.
Look for those changes and take an interest in them. Conversations can be tricky while you’re trying to reconnect with your ex, but this can really help.
Instead of the same boring conversations you usually have with them, ask them deeper, more meaningful conversations about their new interests. And point out and compliment how they’ve changed over time. Don’t shy away from it.
Now, remember Lawrence and Kara? One of their issues was that they were entering different worlds. Kara was a musician and Lawrence was very focused on his career as an accountant. They found that they struggled to have conversations about their passions with one another.
And Lawrence found this especially difficult while trying to reconnect with Kara.
Instead of getting frustrated and upset when this happens, I told Lawrence to look at it as an opportunity to learn about her, all over again. You want to teach each other about your passions as a way to connect.
So even if accounting is boring to you—as it probably is to almost everyone except Lawrence—understand that you’re not really learning about accounting as much as you are learning about this person, what they care about, and what their priorities and their struggles are.
It’s really about finding common ground. Think about it like early dating.
Remember when you were just trying to understand this other person? Figuring out their quirks and what makes them who they are? This is an opportunity to do it all over again.
Come together slowly and find out where you fit in each other’s lives.
#6. Let go of the past.
I think one of the biggest issues in this process is clinging to the past. We want this person to just become who they used to be so we can relate to them.
You need to accept that that version of them is gone. They’re in the past. And you’re missing out on the version of them that’s standing right in front of you. So show interest in who they are NOW, rather than who they used to be.
But don’t get too wrapped up in this. I know you may be tempted to dive in and try to get close to them by joining their band or reading the same books that they do, or talking about their new passion every minute of every day.
This impulse comes from a good place, but it’s ultimately misguided. Remember, you can’t recreate the connection by just becoming exactly like them. You’ll only freak them out and put pressure on them that’s going to scare them away.
Come back together slowly. Show them that you CAN still connect with them—not DESPITE all the changes—but because of them.
And that’s what happened for Lawrence and Kara in the end. They took some time apart. They recognized that they had changed. At first, Kara was reluctant to try again, but Lawrence didn’t want to give up so easily. He slowly rebuilt the connection slowly, essentially doing all the things we’ve covered.
And I’m happy to say that they’ve been married for some time now.
I know you may think that they just got lucky… and of course, it doesn’t always work out so perfectly… but the truth is that if Lawrence hadn’t made an honest effort, they wouldn’t be together today.
Chances are you can find a similarly happy ending to your story, assuming you follow the advice I’ve laid out and you really put in the time and effort. I’ll be rooting for you.
