I’m going to tell you the one action you MUST take if you want a second chance with your ex.
This isn’t just some strategy.
All the strategies in the world… everything you’ve seen online, read in books, or learned from friends, family, your therapist, and even coaches like me, it’s all useless if you don’t do this one thing.
It doesn’t matter if you do everything right. You can be the perfect match for your ex. You can be the biggest catch of all time, desirable to everyone around you. You can even come up with the perfect messages that make your ex melt.
If you don’t do this one thing, it’s all a waste of your time. I’d also say that if you were to magically get your ex back without taking this approach, you’d break up almost immediately because of how big an influence this has over the relationship.
To explain this fully, we need to cover some background. First I’m going to talk about a few studies that shed light on why this works and then I’m going to go over my own experience as a breakup coach for over ten years.
What The Studies Say About Getting Your Ex Back
So you first need to know that studies tell us the following about getting back together with an ex:
Half of young adult couples will break up and reconcile at least once. Over one third of couples who live together have experienced a breakup and renewal in their current relationship. The same is true for one fifth of married couples.
So you need to know that there IS hope. I know that you’re scared right now. You think that your relationship could be over for good because of this breakup. You think that if you don’t do everything right, take every avenue available to you, that you’re going to end up all alone without your special person by your side.
The truth is that it’s this FEELING of hopelessness that will cause you to make mistakes that WILL make the situation truly hopeless. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. You think that you have no shot so you lose confidence and destroy the chance that you do have.
If you can remember that this is a very common issue—that people really do break up and get back together all the time, and that it’s just a part of many adult relationships–if you can remember that then you’re one step closer to winning back your ex. And many studies confirm that people reconnect every day. Truly being calm and having a sense of stability is going to help you SO much in ways you can’t imagine.
It will stop you from acting out and scaring your ex away. It will stop you from falling into depression and messing up your life. It will stop you from feeling so hopeless that you say “screw it” and give up entirely.
And it will keep you out of a particularly destructive pattern. One that I see EVERY DAY as a breakup coach. Truly, when I wake up in the morning and log into my email, I know I’m going to find one of these messages waiting for me:
- “My ex is refusing to talk to me. I keep calling her and she won’t answer.”
- “My ex blocked me and I didn’t even do anything. How can I make him talk to me?”
- “I’ve been calling my ex from my brother’s phone but when they hear my voice they just hang up.”
Yes, your ex will never come back until you STOP chasing them.
STOP Chasing Your Ex
This simple truth is one that so many people can’t get through their heads. It feels like a paradox, right? How can you get them back without chasing after them? If you don’t approach a point, how can you reach it?
I’d say that you’re looking at it all wrong. Your ex isn’t a goal to be reached. They’re a person just like you. So if you want them back, you have to look at their psychology.
Because what you’re doing right now probably isn’t working and I’ll explain why. Here’s what you’re hoping to accomplish by reaching out to your ex:
First off, you may want to let them know that you’re sorry, that you made a mistake. You didn’t treat them the way they wanted and deserved.
Second, you want to let them know that you want them back. They need to know that you love them, that you still see them as a potential life partner and that you can’t live without them in your life.
And third, you want them to know that you’re willing to do whatever it takes. You’ll make concessions. You’ll change your behaviour. You’ll do anything to have them back in your arms again.
But this is exactly why your current approach is a huge mistake:
At this point, they probably know that you want them back, they know that you’re sorry, and they likely even know that you’ll do whatever it takes to get them back.
So now, when you reach out to them, you’re not convincing them to get back with you. You’re not wearing them down. All you’re doing is making yourself look weak and desperate. You’re showing them that you don’t value yourself.
In other, more extreme cases—like if you call them non-stop, keep reaching out despite them blocking you or even have a restraining order against you—you’re making them associate your presence, your contact, with danger and confrontation. You’ve shown them that you don’t respect their boundaries, you don’t respect their decision and you’re willing to trample all over them to get what you want. Do you see how that’s not effective?
But how can you get your ex back if you stop chasing them? Won’t they forget about you? Won’t they move on?
The fact is that if you stop chasing them you actually improve your chances of getting them back. Because leaving your ex alone is powerful.
And it’s unlikely that they’ll just forget about you and move on anytime soon. Neuroscientists tell us that the brain develops pathways based on learned patterns. By dating someone, spending time together and loving one another, you’ve created a powerful pattern. A HUGE part of your brain will still see this other person as your partner, even if you rationally know that you’re broken up…and the same is true for your ex.
It goes something like this: feelings of romantic love trigger the brain’s dopamine system, which drives us to repeat pleasurable experiences. The brain’s natural opiates help encode the experience into memory and habit, and oxytocin acts as the glue that helps forge those feelings of closeness.
So even after time has passed, their brain retains that circuitry. It’s not just going to go away if you don’t talk to them for a month or so.
And it will make reconnecting with them easier than you think. Like when you run into someone from your past and it feels exactly the same as it did the last time you saw them. You’re laughing and joking around like best friends… even though it’s been years. All that warmth comes rushing back.
It can be this easy with your ex, I promise you.
But this can only happen if you’re able to leave them alone, respect their boundaries and give them space after the breakup.
If you don’t, you’ll create NEW pathways in their brain—negative ones. They’ll come to see you as an annoyance…someone who keeps popping up on their phone that they have to placate, or let down easy, or–before long–outright ignore.
At first, they won’t know what to do. They’ll just know that they shouldn’t talk to you. They’ll wish you weren’t messaging them but they won’t be angry or upset about it.
They will wait a while to answer your message. They might even be their typical friendly self. But the more you push–and this can be outright pleas for them to come back, or just simple conversation–the less friendly they’re going to be. Their messages will get shorter, further apart and harder to reply to.
They’re trying to send you a message: I don’t want to talk to you. At the same time, their brain is starting to associate you with negativity, conflict and bad feelings.
If you continue to push them on this, they’re going to tell you to stop, outright ignore you, or even block you. At this point, the neural pathways that associate your contact with annoyance and danger are FIRMLY in place.
This is the best way to replace the good associations they have with you with negative ones.
From here, it can be VERY difficult to get a second chance with your ex, though it’s not always impossible.
Now we’ve talked about how you must STOP chasing your ex after the breakup, and what harm it does. But is leaving them alone really all it takes? Are they going to just run back into your arms after you go silent for awhile?
The No Contact Method
Well the truth is that there is a little more to it than that. The basis here is silence but the real method is, as you might’ve guessed, No Contact.
First off, obviously you need to cut contact with your ex. You shouldn’t let them know you’re doing this. Don’t message them, don’t call them, don’t block them on social media or anything like that. Simply commit to yourself not to talk to them for at least 30 days from this point. Know that it is going to be difficult. Plenty of times will come when you’ll want to break, to call your ex just to hear their voice. But know that if you do break No Contact you’re actively working against yourself. You’re making it harder to get your ex back. So strap in and prepare for a real marathon. Trust me when I say it’s going to be worth it. If you’re still skeptical about whether No Contact actually works, watch the recent video I made on this very topic.
But you can’t just sit on your butt during this time. You need to actually use these 30 days to make positive changes and prepare for the future…when you’ll reconnect with your ex. It should be a very busy month for you, not a month spent waiting around staring at your phone. Not only will the tips I’m about to share keep your mind off the breakup and pass the time more quickly, they’ll also help you get your ex back when the time comes.
1. Be social
After a breakup, you need your friends and family more than ever. They will be your support system. They’ll take your mind off of your breakup. They’ll entertain you, empathize with you and inspire you. So spend as much time with them as you can.
On top of that, you should take this opportunity to make NEW friends. This is going to give you a confidence boost, lift you out of depression and show you that your life isn’t over, just because you’re going through a hard time.
2. Exercise
I know that exercising is hard when you feel depressed but that’s why it’s so important. Working up a sweat reshapes your brain’s reward system, leading to a feeling of wellbeing and a more stable mood. Psychiatrists at the University of Texas have found that three or more sessions per week of aerobic exercise or resistance training can help treat even the most serious chronic depression.
3. Seek out advice from a third party
Now I’ve already pitched my coaching program, but the truth is that getting advice from someone knowledgeable really does help.
Your friends and family have good intentions but they can only do so much.
Getting outside input and perspective to address something specific to your breakup can be very helpful, and could very well ensure you avoid making a simple mistake that will hurt your chances.
4. Date around
While it might feel counter-productive, the truth is that dating new people is much more likely to attract your ex than moping at home.
It’s human nature to want what you can’t have. It’s also a matter of power dynamics. If your ex knows they have total control and can have whatever they want from you even though you’re not in a relationship anymore, this is unlikely to arouse feelings of longing and desire, which is the goal, right!?
This is about reclaiming some of that power by instilling a sense of urgency in your ex. It’ll help them realize that if they don’t act fast, you won’t be around forever.
Another benefit of dating after a breakup, even if you don’t feel like it at all, is that it can sometimes show you that there really are other fish in the sea, and give your self-confidence a big boost.
5. Improve yourself
When you’ve recently broken up, you typically have more free time on your hands. Channel your newfound time and energy into improving your life…whatever that looks like for you. Maybe you want to seek out success in your career, your studies, or even your own mental state and self confidence.
Something as simple as having some friends over to share a pizza and paint the living room can be a positive step in the right direction. Be productive during this time and watch how it transforms your mental state. Set goals and achieve them.
If your ex is keeping an eye on you–which they almost certainly are–they’ll see that you’re doing better since the breakup and making the most of your time apart. This will spark their curiosity and their attraction. It’ll plant the seed of doubt in their mind and force them to ask, “was it a mistake to let someone like this walk out of my life?”
A lot of this stuff I’ve talked about happens subconsciously and slowly, but it really works. None of this is optional if you want your ex back. Trust me, I know this from over a decade of working with clients in situations just like yours.
