So terms like avoidant attachment and narcissism get used pretty liberally these days but what exactly do they mean?
And more importantly, how do they apply to your ex?
Let’s talk exactly what it means to be an avoidant or a narcissist.
We’ll uncover why the two often get confused and how you can tell them apart. And then, of course, we’ll explain how to use this information if you want to win your ex back.
First off, what exactly is a narcissist and why should you care?
1. Narcissistic Exes
Narcissism is a term that actually comes from Greek myth. The story goes that there was a guy named Narcissus who was very full of himself. He rejected a nymph and so the gods cursed him to fall in love with his own reflection.
And that’s really what narcissism is all about. Narcissists are really into themselves.
They have an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. They’re preoccupied with fantasies of power, success, ideal love and perfection and they believe they are superior to others.
You might call them selfish, self-obsessed, egotistical, conceited, vain, arrogant, full of themselves. But there’s actually more going on than you might think.
I’m using the language associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) but while your ex may not have a formal diagnosis or fully meet the criteria, they may still be a narcissist. Because, as we talked about, narcissism is not a modern phenomenon. For as long as there have been people there have been narcissists.
And it’s definitely a spectrum and not everyone who struggles with these issues displays every behaviour on the list. We can all be narcissistic sometimes but that doesn’t mean everyone is a narcissist. Just like going to the gym twice a year doesn’t make you a bodybuilder. It’s about the consistency of this behaviour.
For as long as there have been people there have been narcissists.
Now, let’s talk about NPD. Often it stems from early experiences of excessive pampering or extreme criticism, which causes people to develop an exaggerated sense of self-worth as a defense mechanism.
They felt like they had to act this way to protect themselves from the world, and–often–from their primary caregivers.
This doesn’t let them off the hook for their behaviour but parental neglect or abuse is another thing that you can look for in your ex if you’re wondering if they fit the bill or not.
Grandiosity
Another major sign of narcissism is grandiosity. The narcissist has an inflated sense of their importance and their achievements. They speak of themselves only in glowing terms and never admit weakness or failure. They have very little sense of humour about themselves.
They will also exaggerate and lie to make themselves look better. The thing is, they often don’t know that they’re lying. They really do see themselves this way. It’s like “my life is a movie and I’m the main character.”
And while the people in their lives are rarely more than supporting characters, they also benefit from some of this reflective glory. So their partners, their friends, their family are the BEST, the KINDEST, the MOST successful. But only as long as they stick to the script and give the narcissist what he or she wants.
If you question their narrative or call them out for their lies, suddenly you’re a bad person, you’re evil, or you’re stupid. This is a classic pattern of manipulation that the narcissist isn’t always aware of. In fact, narcissists vary greatly in their awareness of their own condition. Some know that their negative behaviour is a mask, hiding a deep insecurity. Others are totally unaware they’re doing it.
Manipulation
But that doesn’t change their attitude or their tendency towards manipulation. Narcissists see other people as a means to an end. They’ll use people to get what they want and then discard them. They’ll hurt people with no remorse because they can always justify this behaviour to themselves.
They’re often very charming and flattering. When that doesn’t work, they’ll lie to you and degrade you.
This can be subtle but if your ex often made you feel like you were being used or manipulated, this is a clear sign, even if they manage to convince you that you’re crazy.
And even when they’re being nice, it can feel like an act, like they don’t actually care about you at all and are just saying what you want to hear.
No, you weren’t imagining it. Narcissists lack empathy so they often only pretend to care about others.
They’ll be dismissive of your feelings and focus only on their own. They’ll minimize your struggles and your needs in order to avoid having to treat you right.
Narcissistic Supply
And on top of all this, they have a constant need for admiration and love. They want to be worshipped so they can maintain their inflated self esteem.
We call this idea “Narcissistic Supply”—that supply being love, attention and affection–validation, essentially.
Of course, we all have a need to feel good about ourselves, but narcissists need much much more than the rest of us and because it’s such a high priority for them—and because they lack empathy–they’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen.
They’ll fish for compliments, dominate conversations, and engage in attention-seeking behaviors. That’s another reason for their grandiosity: they’re trying to get people to focus on them so they can build their supply.
Let’s say you’re out at a bar. They might dance on the table, drink way too much, or even punch someone. This will, obviously, turn a lot of heads. They’d rather be the centre of attention for the wrong reasons than fade into the background.
This attention-seeking behaviour is something that is not typical in avoidants.
2. Avoidant Exes
So while being an avoidant obviously has a lot to do with a person’s psychology, the label is not as well-established as narcissism is. It’s also much easier to go unnoticed in a person because it really only rears its head when it comes to relationships.
Attachment Theory
We are, of course, talking specifically about avoidant attachment here. Avoidant attachment is one of the four attachment styles.
Everyone has an attachment style which determines how they connect with other people and form attachments. This dictates the way we deal with others in relationships…our triggers, our strategies, our weaknesses and our strengths.
Those with the avoidant attachment style struggle with intimacy and find it hard to rely on others.
Avoidant attachment can develop from childhood experiences, particularly if a child learns that expressing emotions and relying on caregivers leads to disappointment or rejection.
As children they felt like they never had their needs met by others so they turned inward.
As adults, they maintain a great deal of emotional distance in relationships and prioritize their independence over their need for connection. They avoid situations where they might need to rely on someone else, fearing it could lead to vulnerability or disappointment.
Withdrawal
Avoidants tend to withdraw emotionally and physically when a relationship becomes too intimate or demanding. They can cancel plans, become less communicative, and avoid deep conversations. They withhold their love for you.
For example, you may have noticed this person pulling back whenever you tried to discuss future plans or express deeper feelings—while you were dating.
Avoidants prefer to handle their problems independently. So if your ex rarely talked about their feelings or avoided discussing emotional topics, this could be a sign.
This mentality forces them to develop extreme emotional self-reliance. They pride themselves on being self-sufficient and managing their emotions independently. Obviously, this has its downsides but it’s also a major source of strength and one of the things that may have drawn you to them in the first place.
Avoidants tend to withdraw emotionally and physically when a relationship becomes too intimate or demanding.
They will also prioritize personal goals, careers, or hobbies over deep emotional connections with others and so they may be more successful and more well-rounded than your average person, outside of relationships.
You might also notice that they resist making commitments or integrating their life with yours as the relationship develops. A big indicator of avoidance is the reluctance to be exclusive or hit typical relationship milestones at a normal pace.
Avoidants will also frequently choose to spend time alone or with friends over being with you. They’ll often ask for space either with their words or their actions.
It can be really hurtful to feel like you’re second fiddle to someone’s friends in a relationship but this is not how your ex sees you.
It’s not that they care more about their friends. It’s that their friends don’t threaten their independence the way a romantic partner does.
No matter what you do to make them comfortable, for an avoidant, love is just scary compared to friendship. Because they know that if they wanted, they could retreat into solitude for a month and their friends would still be there, whereas a relationship brings expectations.
What Narcissists and Avoidants Share
Now some of you are probably asking “how could you mix these two groups up? They’re different in practically every way.” And others are saying “I still don’t know if my ex is an avoidant or a narcissist.”
This is actually quite common. If your ex isn’t an extreme narcissist or an extreme avoidant, it can sometimes be hard to tell.
There is one major feature that these two groups share: selfishness.
The difference is how this selfishness expresses itself and where it comes from.
Growing up, avoidants found that others couldn’t be relied on to meet their needs. It felt like it was them against the world so now they have an ingrained sense of disdain and distrust for others, at least on some level.
They know they want love and affection but they struggle to get it and so they can sometimes feel it’s not worth the tradeoff. They feel they have to give up independence to get love. They see letting someone in as incredibly difficult.
This can lead some avoidants to be characterized as selfish or even narcissistic. Because avoidants can be so distant that they seem like they only care about themselves.
There is one major feature that these two groups share: selfishness.
Basically it’s the “I don’t need anyone else. I can do it all on my own” attitude. This can be pretty arrogant and even narcissistic in its own way.
But it’s typically not as malignant as narcissism is because they’re more often on the defensive rather than the offensive.
Being avoidant really just means that you lack the capacity to get as close to someone as you’d like to. Key words being “like to.” You see, avoidants WANT to connect with other people, despite what they may say.
They’re not truly hermits or loners as much as they are people who have been hurt. They hate this behaviour as much as you do. So it’s not necessarily selfishness but a lack of capacity.
The same can’t be said for narcissists. Their selfishness is a feature, not a bug. Because of their upbringing, they developed an inflated sense of self esteem masking a deep sense of unworthiness. This combo causes them to make everything about themselves.
But at the same time, narcissists do share some tactics with avoidants. Like avoidants, they’ll go cold, pull away, and stonewall you. But they don’t do this as a way to protect themselves. They do it to manipulate you.
So if you don’t do what they want or if you treat them in a way they don’t like, they can cut you off completely in an instant. They can use their absence to hurt you and then show up when you’re at your weakest to shower you with love and attention.
RELATED: Avoidant Exes Always Come Back
By repeating this behaviour, they create a situation where you associate their absence with pain and their presence with relief.
But obviously avoidance isn’t as baked into their personality as it is for a true avoidant. Narcissists are typically very social because they want an audience, so they can’t stay away for long.
Not having access to their inner monologue, you won’t always be able to see the difference. And really, whatever their diagnosis, the result is the same: you’re with someone who refuses to treat you right and fulfill your needs.
That’s why these two groups often get mixed up because they are both difficult to manage, they’re neglectful and they breed resentment.
And since both of these issues can create a barrier to connecting with another person, they can be hard to pinpoint, since the other person won’t let you get as close as you’d like.
Avoidance vs. Narcissism
Let’s use an example. Imagine you’re in a relationship with this person and you have a bone to pick with them. They’ve been staying out late with their friends at a casino several nights a week.
They come in late, wake you up and it’s affecting your sleep. On top of this, it makes you feel neglected. It’s like they don’t have time for you anymore.
The narcissist will turn it around on you. They’ll dismiss your criticisms. They’ll say that they were so quiet, that they doubt you really woke up. You’re just trying to start a fight. You don’t want them to be happy.
You don’t care about them. In fact, they’re doing this for you. They’re winning money to take you on a nice vacation and you’ve ruined the surprise.
Now suddenly you don’t know what you’re fighting about, and somehow they make you feel like you’re the one who messed up.
The avoidant will clam up. They might apologize to get you off their back but you’ll wonder if they really mean it. In the coming days they’ll be quiet and standoffish. They might still stay out late but they’ll sleep on the couch instead of waking you up. You’ll both feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
Not the most elegant example but those are the main differences between the two groups.
Hopefully you now have a better idea if your ex is avoidant or narcissistic. Because—if you want to reconnect—you need to handle the two very differently.
These are major issues. Don’t underestimate them. They can improve and change with time and treatment but your ex isn’t going to be magically “cured” one day.
You need to ask yourself if you’re willing and able to live with these people as they are. This isn’t a gotcha question. Many people find that they can create a happy life despite these issues while others cannot.
I believe that if you look inside, you already know the answer.
Winning Back A Narcissistic Ex
To win back any ex, you need to think like they do. For a narcissist, you need to cater to their need for admiration while maintaining strong boundaries to protect yourself from manipulative behavior.
They’ve messed with your head more than once so don’t be shy about turning the tables on them and playing to their vanity and their need for narcissistic supply.
Again, that’s their oversized need for love and attention. The supply is what allows them to maintain their inflated ego.
Dating a narcissist means you have to roll with the punches and hit back when you need to, metaphorically. You have to stand up for yourself or they’ll walk all over you. So show them that you’re strong and worthy of their respect and attention. They WANT you to be someone they admire because having high quality people in their life reflects well on them.
Validate Them
And remember, narcissists thrive on validation. Appealing to this need can help draw them back to you.
But instead of just love bombing them, keep things in the realm of reality. Show genuine interest in their successes and make them feel valued.
And praise them for doing things that benefit you. So if they take you on a date, treat you right and genuinely try to make an effort then show them how you appreciate it. They’ll want more praise and so they’ll repeat this behaviour.
Try Romantic Gestures
Unlike most exes, narcissists may actually be swayed by grand romantic gestures that make them feel important and give them a chance to be in the spotlight. Not something I’d usually recommend but narcissists are a special case.
You want them to really feel special so they’ll keep coming back for more. So don’t be afraid to get messy, big and romantic.
Establish Firm Boundaries
Now I know you may feel excited when they start to give you attention back but remember that this attention can turn into manipulation in seconds. That’s why it’s crucial to set clear boundaries to protect yourself.
So learn to spot their manipulation and toxic behaviour. Find the line for yourself and let your ex know when they cross it.
Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively. Let them know what behaviors are unacceptable and be prepared to enforce these limits. For instance, you could tell them that while you appreciate them, you will not tolerate being disrespected or manipulated, and be ready to stand by these boundaries.
I know that many people are reluctant to set boundaries with their exes, out of fear of scaring them off, but in reality this will make your ex respect you more which will draw them to you, rather than pushing them away.
Focus on Mutual Benefits
And remember, they tend to be selfish so they need to see how being together will benefit them. Emphasize the ways in which being with you is good for them.
For instance, you’ll always be there to support them when they’re feeling down. You’ll pump them up when no one else will. You’ll be in their corner but also help ground them when they need it.
This kind of directness is less applicable to an avoidant ex.
Winning Back An Avoidant Ex
Remember, you always want to try and think like your ex. If they’re avoidant, they’re scared of intimacy, of intense emotions and of demands on their time and their freedom.
So you need to start by approaching them in a way that respects their need for space and independence.
One of the most important things to do when dealing with an avoidant ex is to give them space. Avoidants feel overwhelmed by too much closeness, so it’s crucial not to crowd them.
Give Them Space
By respecting their need for space, you show that you understand and value their independence. This helps reduce their anxiety so they’re more comfortable reconnecting. For example, instead of blowing up their phone or trying to see them daily, you must give them time to miss you and come to terms with their own feelings.
Rebuilding a connection with an avoidant ex should be done slowly and gradually. Avoidants are wary of intense emotional experiences, so taking things slowly can help them feel safe.
Start with low-pressure hangouts. Avoid deep conversations initially and focus on things that you both enjoy. This way you’re allowing the relationship to naturally evolve on their terms.
Think about how you can make them comfortable. You want them to see you as a safe place so you need to take it slow. Don’t get too invested too quickly and allow them to set the pace. It’s always better to give them too much space rather than not enough. They might surprise you by being the one to bridge that gap.
Show Your Own Independence
At the same time, you need to show them your own independence and stability.
Avoidants often fear that relationships will jeopardize their independence. Demonstrating that you can be a stable presence in their life is reassuring. They’ll see that you’re not going to ask more of them than they can handle when you show them that you can manage your own emotions.
Be Consistent
This is a tough one because everything so uncertain but you need to be consistent in your actions and show that you can be trusted.
Avoid sudden changes in behavior or major demands for commitment, which can trigger their fear of interdependence. Showing that you respect their boundaries and can be a reliable partner can help them feel more secure in rekindling the relationship.
I know that it’s hard to accept a certain level of distance in a relationship but here’s the thing: the more you’re able to accept that space, the more your ex will be willing to get closer to you than they were before.
The Bottom Line: Narcissistic Ex vs. Avoidant Ex
The biggest overlap between narcissists and avoidants is selfishness and a failure to meet the needs of their partners.
But at the core, they’re very different and need to be treated differently.
- Avoidants require patience, space, and consistency.
- Narcissists need admiration, boundaries, and tangible benefits.
And remember, your own self esteem is the MOST important thing here. You can lose yourself in this process if you’re not careful. You need to take a cue from them and learn to be selfish.
And I can’t say this enough: you’re not their doctor, you’re not their therapist: you can’t save them from themselves.
But all that can wait until you make that connection again and you’re off to a great start. By understanding their characteristics and employing the strategies I recommended, you can create a relationship that lasts.
