Is Your Ex Too Stubborn To Come Back?

Can your ex want you back and still be too stubborn to come back to you?

This is one of the biggest fears you’ll face after a breakup.

You worry that you could do everything right, win back their love and after all that, they could still move on and leave you all alone.

And this is a natural question….an important one. But the fact that you’re asking it also tells me something about where you’re at right now.

It tells me that you’re still coming at this problem from a place of fear.

And when you try to get your ex back from a place of fear, it hurts your chances of ever reconnecting with them.

So it’s time to for you to move from a place of fear to a place of confidence and power and we’ll make that happen by talking this out and finding the answers.

There’s a reason people say knowledge is power. It’s a cliche because it’s true.

Not knowing is always going to cause you to assume the worst and because you don’t know the right path, you’ll flounder. Lucky for you, you’ve found a way forward here…

So let’s start by answering this question. Can your ex want you and still not come back?

The answer is yes, your ex can want you and still never come back.

I know that’s not what you want to hear but it is true.

If you really think about it, you may have even experienced this in the past…this deep desire for this other person’s presence that you resist so you can, ultimately, move on.

And I’ll tell you something: the odds are extremely high that your ex does want you right now.

They miss you…They miss seeing your face, spending time with you, talking to you, touching you.

You brought them a lot of happiness and they know that you could again, and all they have to do is pick up the phone and call you.

But the thing is, only a small part of them feels that way. A bigger part of them sees all the issues that taking you back would create. They see your neediness and your problematic behaviour.

They see the problems you two had connecting: the fights, the hurt feelings.

They see how all of this would put a stop to your future together before it could even start.

And a part of them probably feels like they can’t trust you.

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Because they’re still stinging with the pain of the breakup. When they think about you and the relationship, this part of them only sees what you’ve done…how you hurt them.

Another part of them is too proud to admit that they made a mistake by walking away.

They don’t want to go back on their word and look like they’re indecisive or that they need you in their life to be happy.

Ultimately, there’s one big reason they’ll want you back and still not come back to you, and it’s something you two have in common: they’re coming from a place of fear.

They fear that being with you isn’t going to make them happy.

They think that they’re just going to get hurt again. Or they’re going to hurt you.

They fear it will all be a waste of time, energy, struggle and they’ll just end up all alone, again.

So that’s what you’re up against…all these parts of your ex that are working against your chances of reconnecting with them.

It may be daunting but understanding this internal conflict is vital to getting your ex back.

And the good news is that you have an advantage here. Because typically, the heart does end up winning out over fear. Because love is basically the strongest motivator we have.

I mean, look at you…you’re here fighting for another chance with your ex, despite the fear that you’re feeling.

That’s the power of love that’s kept humanity going for thousands of years.

So how can you make your ex see that love and accept it? How can you make sure their love overpowers their fear?

Well basically, you just have to nurture the parts of your ex that want you back, and starve the parts of them that want to move on.

So you want to give them every opportunity to feel love for you, to miss you, to pine for your touch and your presence.

And you want to remove any reasons they have to object to this process.

And this starts with number one…

1. Take off the pressure

If you want your ex back and you’re coming at it from a place of fear, then your number one enemy is going to be yourself.

You may think that you’re holding back and following all the rules, but if you’re here, there’s a very high chance that you’re putting pressure on your ex to spend time with you, to text you back, to talk to you, and to–ultimately–make the decision to get back together.

Don’t get down on yourself because this is very easy to do. At this point in time, your ex will be extremely sensitive to feeling pressured.

Part of the reason they ended the relationship–in most cases–was to take back control of their life…to reject that feeling that they were being pushed in a certain direction.

So now that they’ve separated from you, they don’t want to experience that feeling again, especially since they’re trying to make up their own mind here.

So really, all it takes is one or two text messages to make them feel that pressure and pull away even further. And it can be even more subtle than that. You can do everything right–on paper–and your ex can still feel pressured.

That’s because little things like your tone of voice, the way you look at them and how you word messages can give off a stink of desperation that you can’t control.

But don’t lose hope. You can sidestep this problem but undergoing the mindset shift that I’m talking about.

If you do it properly, you’ll no longer give off those desperate vibes because you’ll be focusing on different things. That’s the goal here.

And the first step to make this happen is to pull back…way back. You want to remove your presence, and with it, the pressure. You want to replace this pressure with absence. An interesting thing happens when you do this. When they feel no external pressure from you to get back together, they’ll start to realize that they’re experiencing another kind of pressure: that’s the pull they feel to reconnect with you.

So by giving them space, you’re forcing them to face the fact that a big part of themselves does still want you back. This happens because of a psychological process called projection. Projection is the idea that we often deal with difficult feelings by attributing them to someone else.

One example can be how a cheater will suddenly become very jealous and controlling of their partner. Basically, they start cheating and then they start to worry that you’re cheating. This is the projection of guilt onto the other person.

And the same thing happens with a breakup. Your ex wants you back but they don’t want to face this fact. It’s easier for them to put that feeling onto you and pretend that they’re only trying to move on and you keep pulling them back.

Does this make sense logically? No, not really but it’s also extremely common. It’s essentially shifting the blame around to avoid accountability. It’s not always easy but we’ll jump through hoops if we think there’s a way we can avoid taking the blame for something, including our own feelings.

And you’re not doing yourself any favours by staying in contact with your ex all the time. Texting them all the time, begging and pleading, treating them like gold: it all makes you an easy target for this kind of projection.

But when you pull away, it becomes almost impossible for your ex to do this. They can’t say “oh yeah, they want me back so bad” when you haven’t texted them in two weeks. That’s when they’ll be forced to acknowledge that this feeling of desire to get back together is THEIRS. That the call is coming from inside the house.

So to make this happen, you need to make use of No Contact. I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about this if you’ve seen any of my other videos. In fact, I’ll link one in the description and up here in the corner if you want in depth information on how it works.

But basically, you just need to stop talking to your ex for around 30 days. You need to stop all contact: texting them, calling them, going over to their place, making plans, sleeping together, liking their posts on social media, hanging out together with a group of mutual friends, giving them a ride to work…all of it.

But what if you’re already past that period of the breakup and you’re starting to reconnect, then you need to talk to them and spend time with them. So it’s game on, right?

No, because you still need to be very mindful of the pressure you’re putting on your ex. So you need to maintain a little distance from them and let them come to you whenever possible.

The goal here is to let them take ownership of the situation. You want them to feel like they’re in control of what happens next–like you’re not obsessed with getting them back. In fact, they shouldn’t even be 100% sure that you WANT them back. They need to think that you’re both still feeling it out.

If you can make them feel that getting back together is on the table but it’s something that you both have to figure out together, all the pressure that they’ve been feeling will evaporate and that will be one less thing keeping the two of you apart.

2. Face your fear

We’ve talked about it a bit but I really wanted to highlight here how your fear of not getting your ex back is a BIG obstacle that will hurt your chances. Even if you think you’ve been keeping it under wraps, it informs everything you do, from how you talk to them to how you treat yourself. And if it’s dominating your thoughts, it’s going to dominate your actions as well.

And unfortunately, this fear can cause you to turn inward and obsess over your ex and the future which is only going to make things worse…especially when you go No Contact.

So how do you get over this fear of your ex moving on? Well you have to actually face it.

You want to start by imagining a world where your ex does move on and leave you behind…a world where you NEVER get back together. What would the next week look like for you? The next month? The next year?

I know it’s painful to imagine but if you’re able to be honest about it then you’ll see that life CAN go on without your ex. It might not be your ideal life but it’s a lot better than living in constant fear and obsession.

Now, during the No Contact phase, I want you to start to actively live out that life. So mourn the breakup and start to pick up the pieces of your life and move forward. Rebuild what’s broken and focus on the things that give you strength.

Rethink your life: make changes, set goals, achieve those goals and you’ll see that you’re beginning to make progress without your ex.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to actually move on. I’m just asking you to act as if you’re moving on. Because this is actually the best way to get your ex back. It will show you that you can make it without your ex if you need to.

If you can internalize this idea, you won’t be so scared when you do start to reconnect with your ex…You’ll see that, whatever happens, it will be okay.

Plus, all of this self improvement is going to help you access an inner strength that you didn’t know you had. Your ex is going to see your newfound confidence and it will attract them to you like a magnet, making a lot of their objections to getting back together seem trivial compared to all that you’re offering.

And another step that you’re not going to want to take–that I really think you should–is to go on a couple dates with new people. This can be hard when your heart is set on your ex, but it’s a way to instantly jumpstart your confidence and show you that you are desirable to plenty of attractive, cool, interesting people.

This is something we forget after being in a relationship for awhile, and especially after a breakup, but it’s vital to hold onto that idea that we’re desirable when dealing with an ex.

So at the very least, download some apps and see what’s out there.

3. Face your ex’s fears

So we’ve faced YOUR fears, but what about your ex’s fears? We talked about how their fears are a major obstacle here and so you need to do your best to address them if you want them back.

One of your ex’s fears is that it won’t work out because the two of you are going to run into the same problems that drove a wedge into the relationship the first time…the issues that prevented you two from connecting.

So try looking at the relationship—and the breakup—from your ex’s perspective. If you were together for more than a short time, you probably know a lot of the issues your ex was having.

Now, let’s talk about some issues that you can start addressing immediately.

So maybe you have a drinking problem and you and your ex always fought about it. Well now is the time for you to face that problem and get help. Quit drinking, or seriously scale it back. This won’t be easy but it will be a powerful message to your ex that you’re taking the future seriously.

There are countless possible issues here and most of them are much more subtle than alcoholism. So maybe your ex felt like you always dominated conversations and didn’t ask them about themselves. Now’s the time to start practicing listening and being curious about the people around you.

Or say your ex was always uneasy about your relationship with your previous ex, how you two stayed friends and had all sorts of inside jokes. Now is the time to distance yourself from this person.

Again, we’re trying to remove any reasons your ex has to not get back together. Think of your ex’s objections to getting back together like a wall. You’re finding the loose planks and just pulling them out, one-by-one. Eventually, the wall will be gone and there won’t be anything keeping you two apart.

So as you work on this, you’re going to see progress pretty quickly. And now you may be thinking, “great, I did it. Time to let my ex know that I’ve done all these things for them and that now we can be together.”

This is a crucial moment to slow down. Remember, you’re trying to avoid putting pressure on your ex right now. If you come up to them and say “hey, I’m going back to school and I quit huffing paint and I cut off my toxic friends for you,” what are they going to think?

They’re going to be convinced that you’re obsessing over getting them back. They’ll think that you did this so that they owe you another chance. This puts a TON of pressure on them to come back to you.

So, for now, don’t brag or overshare. When you two reconnect and have a few conversations, then you can bring them up to speed in a more casual way. Another strategy is to share these things with mutual friends and wait for the information to get back to your ex. Because trust me, they’re definitely talking about you and the moves that you’re making now that you’re broken up.

But what about your ex’s fears that have nothing to do with you as a person or the relationship that you created? So something like…they have a fear of intimacy or they’re afraid of getting divorced like their parents did.

Well that brings us to the final piece of the puzzle here…

4. Focus on what you can control

You can’t guarantee that your ex is going to come back to you. And if you try too hard to make it happen, you’re only going to push them away. It’s much easier for you to slip up, apply too much pressure and scare them away, than it is to win them back with just one more message or one more date.

I know that you’re dealing with a lot of mental turmoil over this. Breakups are truly awful, especially when you know that the two of you are meant to be together. It can drive you crazy when you’re not sure how to make them see it.

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But I find that if you focus on what you can control and give it your best shot, it’s all going to work out the way it’s supposed to. All you can do is present yourself in the best light, focus on improving yourself and slowly reconnect with your ex over time.

There are going to be obstacles and you’re going to want to just blow through them. Instead, slow down, consider your options and take the path that will get you to your goal.

If you can do that, you’ll give yourself the best chance to get back together with your ex and avoid drama and hurt feelings.