If you want your ex back, or just want them to regret their choices, you need to make them think that they’ve really lost you and that you’re not coming back this time.
This is how thousands of people have won back their exes, and it will work for you too.
Until they see that you’re really gone, they’re not going to appreciate you.
This is really your only path forward in this situation. Many people will try to convince their ex for another chance. Or they’ll hang around and hope their ex realizes they made a mistake.
They’ll be their friend, their confidante and even their cheerleader. Then they’ll be shocked when their ex leaves them in the dust and moves on to find someone new.
But here’s why this happens every time. To be blunt, it’s because they lose respect for you when it becomes clear that you don’t respect yourself.
And that’s what’s happening here. If your ex keeps screwing you around, treating you badly and not giving you what you want, and you stick around, this sends the message that you don’t think you deserve any better. You’re willing to accept this treatment because it’s the best you can hope for. That doesn’t sound very attractive, does it?
You need to change this narrative by changing your behaviour. You need to make them miss you by making them think they’ve lost you.
How To Make Your Ex Think They’ve Lost You Forever
So let’s think this through. If you want your ex to think that they’ve lost you, you need to act as if you’re over them and are moving on.
So this is going to take a little acting on your part. You don’t have to be Leonardo Dicaprio or anything but you’re going to have to pretend that you no longer want your ex back.
So basically before you do anything, you want to ask yourself “what would I do if I was truly over my ex and wanted to move on?”
This is going to be hard at first, but it will get easier. And, of course, you don’t have to act this way forever.
You may decide that you are better off without your ex after this process but you may also decide that you want to try again. Either way, you’ll be in a better position a few weeks from now, if you follow my advice.
Step 1: Create distance
You need to get far away from your ex in every sense of the term. So if you still live together, move out. If you’ve been acting like friends, stop spending time with them. If you’ve been badgering them for a second chance, stop that right now.
Basically, you’re creating emotional and physical distance from your ex, starting immediately. Imagine that your breakup was a good thing and that you’re relieved to be free from the relationship. Now act the way you would if that were the situation.
You probably wouldn’t keep hanging around, waiting for that text back, would you?
No, you’d pick up your stuff, say goodbye and never look back.
And I know that it’s never going to be as easy as I make it sound, but it is crucial. And the harder it is for you, the harder it will be for your ex. Often people stay enmeshed after a breakup and things become so much worse.
RELATED: Going NO CONTACT After A Breakup WORKS
You start to resent one another. You feel exhausted, trying to figure out what they want and how to treat them. And then, instead of simply moving on, you flame out and begin to hate one another. Avoid this at all costs by taking space now.
Of course, there are situations that make this more complicated. If you have kids together, if you live together, if you work together, if you share mutual friends or hobbies then it will be more difficult but it’s still very possible.
Remember, you want them to think you’re moving on, so act like it.
Step 2: Stop reaching out and stop responding to them
This is part of creating space but I thought I’d include it here because so many of my clients do everything they can to get out of this one.
They just feel like they need to keep talking to their exes or they’ll lose them forever. They can’t bear the thought of being alone and they’re worried that if they stop talking to them, they’ll be upset and move on faster.
These are all excuses that I hear but none of them are really valid in any way. Your ex can be as mad as they want, but deep down, they know that they have no one to blame but themselves. They can’t expect you to stick around once they’re rejected you the way they did.
Now, don’t totally ghost your ex. If they’re trying really hard to get in touch with you, asking important questions or trying to get you to pay bills or something like that, then it’s good to have a short conversation. But if they don’t get the message that you’re done, make it clear to them that you’re trying to move on and so you need space right now. This is usually enough to get them off your back.
Here’s one benefit of cutting contact with your ex: the less they’re talking to you, the more free time they have. The more free time they have, the more opportunities they’ll have to wallow in sadness and think about how much they miss having you around and hearing your voice.
Step 3: Change your attitude towards them
So avoiding your ex is essential here, but it’s not all that’s required. Because you’re going to have to interact with your ex. And even if you don’t, you need to be prepared in case it happens by chance.
Just staying away isn’t enough. You need to shift the way you think about and look at your ex. I think many people get into trouble here because of the way they’d normally treat an ex.
So if you’re someone who treats their exes like their enemy, you need to shift that mindset not just towards this ex, but towards all of them.
Unless they’ve done something huge to wrong you, it’s always better to treat your exes with respect and distance, rather than with hostility. This shows maturity and gives the sense that you’ve moved on much more strongly than if you are rude or standoffish.
And, obviously, this is most important when it comes to the person you’re trying to win back.
So be polite. Be cordial. You can even have some small talk and make them laugh, but don’t get sucked into a big conversation with them. Show them that there are no hard feelings but that you are done having them in your life and you’re moving on.
I’m sure that, on some level, you have the instinct to try to hurt them or let them see how much they’ve hurt you by breaking up, but this isn’t going to help your cause. If you’re cruel to them, you’ll really upset them but, in the long run, you’ll show them that you’re someone that they shouldn’t engage with.
Not only because we don’t want to spend time with people who want to make us feel bad, but because it will be clear to your ex that you’re still stuck on them and NOT moving on, which is going to reset all the progress you’ve made to this point.
So treat them the way you would an old friend who you’re no longer connected to. You don’t hate them, but you’re just not in the same place you used to be. This will actually hurt your ex far more than being rude to them ever could because it will really nail home the idea that you’re moving on without them.
Step 4: Don’t inquire about them
Asking other people about your ex is only natural. You want to know how they’re feeling, what they’re doing, if they’re dating again, whatever. But if you do this, you’re actively working against making them think you’ve moved on.
Because anyone worth asking, has some connection to your ex. This means that there’s a fair chance that this might get back to your ex and ruin the illusion that you’re moving on. It doesn’t matter if they’re closer to you than they are to your ex. It doesn’t matter if you make them promise to keep it secret. You just don’t know.
In fact, many people who will let this slip to your ex, actually think they’re doing you a favour. People love to play matchmaker. If they know you miss your ex, they won’t hesitate to try to connect you two, because they get caught up in the idea of it. They don’t know that they’re essentially sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong and screwing up your plans.
And even if they never find out you’ve been asking about them, remember, this is about a mindset shift. If you’re still secretly obsessing over your ex during this time apart, you’re going to subconsciously ruin all that you’ve created up to this point.
Because a time will come when you two reconnect, and if you haven’t actually moved on–at least to some extent—your ex will feel your desperation and you’ll wind up right back where you started.
So don’t take this chance. Just let your ex’s life be a mystery to you. You have better things to think about right now, anyway.
Step 5: Make moves
If you stay in the same place, your ex will never feel like they’ve lost you. So beyond just moving away from them physically and emotionally, you need to make moves in your own life that have nothing to do with them.
This is when they really start to feel that distance because they’ll see you moving on with your actual life, not just in terms of your relationship.
Now, I can’t get too specific here because I don’t know your exact situation, but you do. I think you know the things in your life that aren’t ideal and I think, if you really think about it, you know what you need to do to take steps to fix them.
Now is the time to make a plan and move forward with it.
This can be relatively simple stuff like improving your fitness, your appearance and your situation. Or it can be more complicated things like learning new skills, changing careers, or improving your mental health.
The possibilities are endless here but the important thing is to make moves. This breakup truly sucks, I know, but it also affords you a unique opportunity.
Relationships take up a lot of time. Obviously, this is worth the tradeoff but now that you’re single, you have more time and space to really focus on the things that matter to you in your own life.
People typically make the most dramatic life changes after something traumatic like a breakup. These changes can be good, like what we just talked about, or they can be really damaging, like falling into depression or drug use. You have a choice here and I hope you make the right one.
Step 6: Date around
It doesn’t matter how much you change your life, your outlook and your attitude, many exes simply won’t get the message that you’re moving on, until you start dating other people after the breakup.
This can be a difficult step but it’s an important one if you want your ex to see that you’re moving on and that they’ve lost you for good.
It’s not easy, but it can be pretty simple. Download a dating app and start swiping, chatting and setting up meetings with other people.
I wouldn’t advise you to get too serious with these dates. Be up front that you’ve been through a breakup and you’re looking to see what’s out there.
Meet new people, have fun and get your confidence back. In fact, it’s essential if you want to get your ex to see that you’re really moving on without them. So stop holding yourself back and make it happen. You’ll be shocked at what a difference it will make.
