Avoidants can be extremely frustrating.
Do they want you back or do they just want space?
Do they actually care or are you just a distraction for them?
The thing about avoidants is that they avoid intimacy. This means avoiding the people they love, avoiding difficult conversations, and avoiding their feelings.
Because of this, avoidants will act in ways that can be very hard to read–both by design and because they can’t help it—but the good thing is that they will often act in ways that are predictable. So once you know what to look for, you should be able to tell if they still love you or if they’re over it.
So let’s get into the signs that your ex still loves you.
1. They won’t shut the door for good.
As I’ve said, avoidants are great at avoiding things. But they don’t do it just to do it. So to understand them, we need to look at what they’re avoiding and why they’re avoiding it.
Here’s a common scenario. After the breakup, communication breaks down but it still feels like there’s something between you.
As someone who is not avoidant, you try to get clarity with your ex but they won’t give you a straight answer about their feelings.
This is so frustrating but it’s usually a sign that they’re still interested in you. Because avoidants are very good at ending things, running away and taking space. They’re good at closing the door.
If they’re still sticking around and giving you signals, this is because they still have strong feelings for you, even if they’re not willing to act on them just yet. They want to leave that door open for something in the future.
These signals come in many forms. Maybe they ask to be “just friends.” Maybe they still reach out to you on your birthday or on holidays. These are all small ways to keep the lines of communication open because they don’t want to let you go.
That said, this is a tricky situation to read. If this is the only sign that they’re giving you, then this could just be them keeping you on the hook because they want to keep their options open. So don’t go running back into their arms just yet. Look for other signs like….
2. They create a push-pull dynamic
Now this is something that avoidants will do unintentionally but it’s also the biggest indicator of an avoidants feelings for you.
Because the avoidant is not just someone who avoids all human contact, love, affection, connection….they’re not a hermit. They want this connection but it also scares them.
Most avoidants pride themselves on being self-sufficient so they’re very good at just cutting you off and going on their way. So if they didn’t have feelings, they’d have no trouble moving on.
But if they do like you, then things are going to be a little different. They’re going to keep the connection alive, just in their own specific way.
Because they’re essentially being pulled in two different directions. One part of them finds it much easier and more comfortable to have this space from you. It’s less risky because there’s no danger of being hurt. But the other part of them loves you and wants to be close to you.
And because they’re being pulled in different directions, they’re essentially going to do the same to you. One day they’ll be very present, attentive, and loving. It will feel like the fog has lifted and your perfect partner is standing right in front of you. But then suddenly they’ll be distant, cold and unwilling to even text you back, much less spend time with you.
If they’re over you, this will be the end of it. They’ll drift away and leave you wondering what happened.
But if they still care for you, they’re going to repeat this cycle again and again, pulling away anytime you get close to them. It can be really frustrating and the worst part is that this is very common.
3. They’ll avoid conversations
For example, they may avoid having tough conversations about your feelings and their feelings, because they fear that this conversation will overwhelm them–or worse–that the things they say will scare you off and they’ll end up all alone, again.
So in this case, they’re avoiding talking things out because they don’t want to lose you. This would mean that you’re important to them, even if it doesn’t feel that way.
But this dynamic changes after a breakup, when things get a little messy. Say you want to talk about your situation. You want to know how they feel about you: if they’re over you… if they want you back, whatever.
RELATED: Why Avoidants Are Addicted To You After No Contact
Now an avoidant will avoid this conversation for a similar reason. Even if they feel very strongly for you—-and often because they feel so strongly—-they’re afraid to find out that you don’t feel the same way.
They’d rather keep going in limbo than open up and find out that you don’t love them or want them.
There are a few different tactics they’ll use in this situation. They might change the subject. They might tell you that now isn’t the right time for the conversation. They might fail to show up to a planned meeting or stop answering your messages for a while, only to pop up again later.
So while it may seem like they’re over you because they keep blowing you off or making jokes when you try to bring up the topic, it’s usually not that at all. They’re trying to protect themselves from the truth.
4. They’ll communicate it without words
Since avoidants are bad at having difficult conversations and sharing feelings—and this gets even tougher for them after the breakup—they’re going to have a lot of trouble communicating.
Many avoidants are better at communicating with actions than with words.
So while they’re less likely to come out and say “I love you,” they’re more likely to make a gesture that communicates their feelings for you, without having to actually open up and risk anything.
Now these gestures can be hard to spot and quite subtle, but if you know your ex, you know when they’re sending out these signals.
If you’re having trouble, think of how they showed you love in the relationship. Maybe they’d pick up your favourite coffee for you when you were having a tough day. Maybe they’d make time to listen to you when they know you need it most. Maybe they’d give you that look that melted your heart.
If your ex is continuing to make gestures like these, then you can bet that their feelings for you are very much alive.
5. They’ll be afraid to lose you
So we’ve said that avoidants are good at moving on. But that’s only if they’re actually interested in getting over you. If your ex still loves you, it will be quite the opposite. And a way this will manifest is in your ex’s concern. They’ll want to know what you’re doing, who you’re hanging out with, what you’re planning for the future.
Essentially they’re saying, “are you still here? Are you moving on? Am I losing you?” without actually saying it.
So if your ex holds a hug for a little longer than expected or keeps bugging you about what you’re doing over the summer, don’t be surprised if they’re still harboring some major feelings. And this will become especially obvious if they display number 6 on this list:
6. They’ll be Jealous and Protective
Jealousy comes from a sense of possessiveness over another person. And most of the time we feel that possessiveness—toxic or not—it’s driven by feelings of love.
But again, exes—especially avoidant exes—are going to try to be subtle about these things because they’re trying to keep their distance.
So they’re less likely to trash talk your dates or even ask you if you’re dating again. Instead, they’ll do it indirectly.
They may ask mutual friends about your dating life. If you mention a date you’re going on, they may get angry at you but claim it’s for another reason.vThese are the ways that avoidants avoid having a real conversation about their feelings for you.
This may also manifest as a sense of protectiveness towards you. They may check up on you frequently to make sure you’re okay. They may ask about your health, your family and your job. And if you’re acting in ways that they deem risky, they might chastise you, or offer to help you.
Again, your ex wants to show you love but doesn’t want it to be obvious that that’s their intention. It’s much safer for them to offer to help you or keep you safe. And at the same time, that concern for you is real.
They’re afraid to lose you but they’re also afraid to ask you for another chance. So this is a way for them to calm their nerves about losing you without having to take a risk.
This isn’t usually something your ex will do consciously. Many people are unable to admit their feelings, even to themselves and this can make them act in ways that seem to make no sense. It’s actually a fascinating psychological phenomenon at play.
So where do you go from there? How can you get them to admit the truth and win back this avoidant ex? Well I’ve made a whole video on this topic which I’ll link in the description below but let’s talk about this briefly.
Basically, your goal isn’t to get them to admit their feelings for you. That would be nice, but it’s not going to help you achieve your goal of winning them back. So focus on connecting with your ex in a more chill way.
Don’t put pressure on them to talk about their feelings. Make them laugh, spend time together and rebuild the connection.
Then, when the time is right, it will be easy to make it official. Just don’t rush this or you’ll scare off your avoidant ex.
