If you want your ex back, often they want you back too.
But sometimes they’re afraid to take the leap.
And once you understand why they feel this way, you can easily overcome this hurdle.
Because your ex likely does want another shot with you. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you why. They love you, they care about you, they’re attracted to you and they know you can make them happy.
But that feeling is tempered by another feeling: fear. They’re afraid of a few things. First off, they worry that you don’t want the same thing and they’re afraid to make the first move and be shut down. But more than that, they’re afraid that if they did give you another chance, that it wouldn’t work out.
And, I mean, they have a point, right? You wouldn’t be sitting here if things were perfect. You’d still be together.
So that’s the internal battle that your ex is going through… potentially. Here are the signs to look for to determine if they are actually scared to come back:
Sign #1. You can feel the tension
Yes, the fact that you’re here is a strong sign that your ex is scared to come back. I know that your desire for them can cloud your judgment a bit, but you’re not delusional. You can feel that tension between the two of you when you talk.
And I’m not just talking about sexual tension here. It’s the sense that they have something that they want to say but they just can’t bring themselves to say it. You’ll notice this in lingering looks and facial expressions. Pay attention to what goes unsaid.
Sign #2. They don’t talk about certain things
If your ex is still on the fence, then they’re going to avoid certain topics of conversation. First, they won’t talk about their dating life. They don’t want to give the impression that they’re even thinking of moving on just yet.
They’re also just going to avoid talking about the future in general. They don’t want to think about moving out, separating your lives, canceling future plans, anything like that.
This is not only because that stuff hurts to think about–because they still love you–but also because if you start taking these steps then there’s no going back.
Sign #3. You still have each other’s stuff
When you’re going through a breakup, it can feel like it’s not quite real yet. And it won’t be real until you’ve done all the logistical stuff. Namely, trading belongings. For this same reason, your ex is going to avoid giving you your belongings or taking theirs from you.
They’re trying to avoid the future. They think that the moment you two meet up to exchange things might be the last time you see them…so they want to be prepared to either walk away for good or ask you to get back together…and they’re not ready for that just yet.
Sign #4. This isn’t your first breakup
If you and your ex have broken up and gotten back together before, I have good news and bad news. Breakups are like concussions. The more you have, the easier they are to get. And the more you break up, the more your ex is going to be scared to get back together because they want to avoid feeling this heartbreak over and over.
So this toxic cycle is definitely going to factor into your ex’s ambivalence about you and the relationship.
The good news is that since you’ve gotten back together before, you know that there’s an attraction there and that you have the capability of reconnecting which is honestly huge. So perhaps third time’s the charm here.
Sign #5. They reach out to you
If your ex reaches out to you without any real reason to do so, then you can bet that they’re thinking about you and wanting you. And really, there are very few VALID reasons for them to be contacting you after a breakup.
Sure, if the dog died or you owe them five hundred dollars then this is probably not a sign but if they just want to let you know that they ran into your sister at the mall, or they’re just “checking in” then you can bet that they’ve got more in mind than just chatting.
Sign #6. You score above 70 on my free quiz
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Sign #7. Your breakup was toxic
Toxic breakups create emotional pain for both parties. This pain is like a tender spot. If you touch it it hurts and you pull away. But in a weird way, you also feel drawn to it.
This is the thing with a toxic breakup. Because it was so bad, you feel like you need to fix it. And in your mind, the only way to fix it is to reconnect with your ex. It sort of feels like if you get back together and hold them in your arms, it’s like it never happened at all.
This doesn’t make sense logically, but on an emotional level it feels like the only answer.
If you broke up because of a huge fight, if you both said things you didn’t mean and never apologized, or if one of you made some massive mistake that destroyed trust then this is probably what your ex is going through right now.
It’s pretty clear why this would draw them towards you but also cause them to hesitate before taking that final step.
Sign #8. They’ve been asking about you
As with many signs on this list, this shows that your ex is still interested but feels they need to keep their distance. So they want to get information about how you’re doing, if you’re seeing anyone, if you’re talking about them, whatever.
So they’ll turn to mutual friends or even your friends or family to get information. They might not ask directly but if they’re suddenly reaching out to people in your life then you know why.
This is a clear sign that they’re circling around you, trying to get closer.
Sign #9. Your relationship has unresolved issues
Like a toxic breakup, this is something that will pull your ex in while also scaring them away. You two have something between you.
I mean, you probably didn’t break up for NO reason. Maybe you spend too much time at work… Maybe you live in different cities. Maybe you have different values or disapproving family. Whatever it is, this is something that needs to be addressed if the relationship is going to work.
And so even though they really want you back, they’re afraid to take the plunge because they know that this problem will come between you all over again.
Sign #10. They don’t know what you want
One of the big reasons that your ex is scared to reach out is because they don’t know how you feel about them. Have you moved on? Are you over them? Are you seeing someone new? These unanswered questions are keeping them away.
It’s understandable, right? They don’t want to reach out to you and be shut down. For some people, that would be so hard for them that they’d rather abandon the whole than risk being rejected in this way.
How To Overcome Your Ex’s Fears
So hopefully now you have a better idea if your ex is scared to come back.
But what can you actually do with this information? Well first off, if you want your ex back, this is one of the best case scenarios you can be in. Fear is something that you can work with.
So the question is, how do you push them in the right direction? Some people think you should force them to make the choice. Tell them to make up their mind, basically.
I do think that putting a little pressure on your ex can be helpful here. Say if things have been going this way for a long time. If they’re playing you hot and cold, refusing to commit and just messing with you, basically, then this can work…and it might be your only option.
But I don’t think this should EVER be your first move.
Instead, use your ex’s avoidance of the issue to your advantage. If they feel this way, you know they want to see you and spend time with you. They just don’t know how to do it without having this conversation.
That means it’s your job to give them “safe” opportunities to see you that they know won’t lead to big conversations, arguments or other drama. So what does that look like?
Well first off, you want to contact them in a neutral way. Get them talking but do not bring up the relationship, the future, or anything like that. Instead, make them laugh, talk about mutual interests and just catch up.
Once you’ve built that rapport, you need to suggest an in person meet up. They’re scared so this is going to be a little tricky but remember, they are interested on some level. What you need to do is calm their fears by giving them an excuse to see you.
So just “do you want to come over to my house and talk?” is probably the worst thing you can say here. Just hearing that will set off your ex’s alarm bells.
Instead, you want to give a reason for the meeting that feels totally platonic. I think it’s a good idea to play to your ex’s strong suit. So think about something that they’re an expert in.
Maybe you’re thinking about buying a new car and your ex knows a lot about cars. Tell them you’d love to meet up to discuss this and get their insight. People love being asked about their interests. It gives them a chance to show off.
But beyond this, it sets your expectations in the interaction. It gives you both rules to follow and a topic to talk about. This calms your nerves and gives the whole thing a structure.
So I’m sure they know that you’re not only interested in getting a new car. And you know they know that. But when things get awkward, there’s something for you to fall back on. And if things get too intense, either one of you can go “okay, well thanks for helping me with that problem, I have to go, see you later.”
When you do meet up, you should talk about what you set up but it’s also a good opportunity to flirt, banter and rebuild attraction.
This first meet-up is about testing the waters and showing your ex that you’re not about to ambush them…that you can spend time together safely. And the more you do, the more you’re going to soothe your ex’s fears and make them want you back.
I will say that many people confuse this advice with the idea that you should be friends with your ex. You should not be friends with your ex if you want them back. Don’t give them that impression.
So generally, I’d recommend avoiding group hangouts. Definitely don’t ever agree to be just friends. And keep things fun and flirty. This is a fine line to walk… you don’t want your ex thinking you’re looking to hook up or to be romantic with them, at this stage. So keep it subtle.
I think you know what I’m talking about here. Treat them the way you would on a second date. More friendly than you would with a friend but not like you two are already back together.
Make it clear to them that you are a romantic option for them, and one that comes without a bunch of drama. Take things slow and let them develop naturally.
