Now if you’ve recently gone through a breakup, then chances are you’re feeling pretty intense feelings towards your ex.
You love them, you’re angry at them, and most of all, you want them to regret the breakup, realize how valuable you are and come running back to you.
So maybe you’ve been reaching out to them and trying to reason with them to get them to change their mind about the breakup.
Maybe you’re sending them pictures, or bringing up memories of happier times in the relationship. Maybe you’re spamming their phone trying to get them to just talk to you.
I understand where you’re at–so many people come to me with a similar story…it’s such a natural reaction to a breakup. But you need to take a second and look at things from another perspective…your ex’s perspective.
Your ex cares about you, sure, but they care about themselves more–this is just human nature–and from their current perspective, you and the relationship are causing them pain and confusion and so they’re trying to keep their distance.
They don’t want to be with you and, as much as that hurts you, you have to accept that…for now.
Your Ex’s Perspective
Because when it comes to attraction, seduction—whatever you want to call it—the most important thing is the other person’s perspective.
Think about it this way. Each of us sees life through our own individual lens. It may seem like a small thing but it completely changes how we view the world.
If you take you and your ex for example, you experience the same relationship from two totally different perspectives. You come into it with your own baggage, your own history and your own preferences, wants, and needs.
When you have conflict, this is almost always the driving force behind it. It’s because you don’t understand that they don’t see things the way you do… nobody can.
And this is where the breakup comes in. You think if you just explain things to them then they’re going to understand what went wrong and how you can fix it, but the problem is you’re operating with very different lenses right now…you’re seeing this relationship–and each other–in very different ways.
I mean, there are of course a million subtleties here, but even if you look at it on a very basic level, your ex and you are very far apart in terms of your outlook. Even if we just sum it up in one sentence: you want them back and they want to move on.
When the relationship ended, this shared goal totally blew up. Now you want to win them back, to connect with them again and show them that you love them and hold them close, and all that.
But they want time to think, they want to move on and, most importantly, they probably want to be far away from you. I hate to say it, but that’s just the facts.
And that’s ignoring all the other little ways you saw things differently–I mean you obviously didn’t see the relationship in the same way even before the breakup, or you would never have broken up.
So you see, you can’t even agree on what the relationship was or is, so you really aren’t even working from the same basic premise.
This is why having these conversations doesn’t work. You’re saying things that make sense to you, and they’re ignoring you or getting upset, and you can’t understand why. This is because they may feel like you’re trying to make them feel guilty or trying to manipulate them. And essentially, you are, even if you don’t know it. Because you’re trying to force your own lens onto your ex. You’re trying to MAKE them understand.
The Power Of Changing Your Perspective
So is it hopeless? If there’s nothing you can do to change their mind, you should just give up, right?
Actually there is another way to go here. Instead of trying to force the issue, you need to let them figure it out for themselves. I’m telling you your ex CAN realize what they lost if you give them the time and space to do so. Since you can’t make them see things the way you do, all you can do is start to adopt their perspective more.
The first thing you have to do is to disappear. I know I say this time and time again but you must cut contact with your ex.
Your ex may have all these thoughts and feelings of who they think you are and what they think they should expect from you, and this is natural because you have a lot of history together. You’ve done certain things before and after the breakup to create these associations.
You’ve treated them a certain way so they believe they know what to expect from you. To change that perspective you first need to walk away to accept this breakup.
Then you need to stay away for a few weeks–or more–while you work on yourself. Start to re-establish who you are and improve your value. When your ex sees that, the way they think of you will start to change. They’ll think: “they’re not who I thought they were. They’re actually being really mature about all this. Maybe I made a mistake.”
Now I know that this is going to be painful but you have to be patient, cool and calm. The good thing is that since you and your ex won’t be in touch, they’re not going to see the pain you’re going through so they’re going to think that they’re all alone and that you’re doing really well without them. And as time passes, they’re going to start to miss you.
Whereas before you knew how to relate to them because you were on the same team. Obviously you didn’t see things in EXACTLY the same way but you did both want the same thing: to spend time together, to love one another and to build a relationship together.
RELATED: Should You Be Nice To Your Ex? (If You Want Them Back)
Now, there’s something that I want to talk about called confirmation bias. This is the tendency to interpret new information as confirmation of your existing beliefs.
Confirmation bias means that we’re always looking for proof that we already know how the world works. We all do this, even the most open minded people, so don’t think you’re above it. If we could really have a completely open mind we’d never be able to have any sort of understanding of the world and we’d get completely exhausted just trying to get to work in the morning.
This means that your ex is invested in thinking that you’re still the same person you were before you broke up, and that you’re not a very valuable person.
So when they send those few text messages or they call you that first time or they check your social media, they’re looking for proof that you’re not good enough… and this is where you have to surprise them. The biggest way to make your ex realize what they lost is to upend their expectations here.
So maybe you were a little too desperate, too accommodating, too easy. But if you can shift your behaviour a little, you’ll really change how they see you and they’ll be forced to face the fact that they were wrong about how they looked at you.
Their perspective will start to change because they didn’t see the value in you before, and now all of a sudden they’re starting to second guess their decision.
They’re seeing some changes in behavior, and they want to make sure if you’re still the same person that they knew. This creates INTEREST in your ex. They’re going to want to know more so they’ll be investigating you, and this is going to draw them towards you more and more.
The Paperclip Effect
I don’t know if any of you remember that news story about the guy who traded a paperclip for a house. This sounds like a fairytale but it happened, years ago. His name was Kyle Macdonald and he’s from Montreal.
He started with a red paper clip and he traded it for a pen that looked like a fish, and he traded that for a handmade doorknob and he traded that for a camp stove and up and up until he was able to get a real two story house.
This is a very smart guy because he understands that value isn’t this objective thing. It varies from person to person depending on how they look at the world…their lens. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, or house, in this case.
When your ex left they didn’t see your value. To them, you were that paperclip.
But if you spend that time now, working on yourself, making improvements, doing the unexpected… when they come back, they’re going to be blown away. They’ll see how you’ve changed, how you’re not the person they thought you were. They thought you were a paperclip and now you’re a house. And really, all it took was a few pivotal changes.
You don’t have to become an astronaut or a multimillionaire or anything like that. You can become the version of yourself that’s a little more kind, a little more driven, a little more reliable, and that will be enough. Because, remember, your ex once saw you as extremely valuable.
And it’s not only about what you do during this time that changes your ex’s perspective on you. Essentially, as we touched on before, you two are furthest apart right after the breakup, both emotionally but also in terms of your outlook on the relationship and on one another. This is because you’re both dealing with such strong emotions and your aims are so different.
They want to get away from you, and you want to get them back, and so you can’t come together right now no matter how much you want to…you can’t bridge that gap. But time and space really is the great equalizer here. It gives you both the chance to slow down, process the breakup and get some perspective on the situation.
Taking Space From Your Ex
People think that leaving their ex alone after the breakup will be a death sentence…that they’ll forget about you or they’ll move on if you don’t keep reminding them of your existence. But really, the opposite is true.
By taking this space you give your ex a chance to miss your presence which makes them want you more than they would otherwise. It also helps you move on from them.
Not completely–obviously if you take some space and you still want them back after a month or two, that’s great–but your desire for them is never going to be as acute as it is in those first few days or weeks after the breakup.
You’ll start to see that you CAN live without your ex…that you’re capable of being happy alone and, if you want, you’re capable of finding someone new.
So where does this leave us? Well, when you do come back together, you won’t look at them as your one chance at happiness and they won’t look at you like you’re the thing standing between them and being happy and free.
You’ll see each other for what you really are… exes. That sounds bad but really, it’s not. You’ll see that you still care about one another, and maybe even still love one another, and you won’t feel the need to convince one another to see things any differently. This is a moment of connection for both of you.
It won’t be as heightened or stressful as it is right now so you’ll be able to reconnect in a more honest, straightforward way without any drama or miscommunications.
And more than that, your ex is going to feel other, more complicated feelings when they see how well you’re doing, that will push them even further towards you.
I see this all the time. Your ex is going to realize they lost out on a huge opportunity…they lost out on someone special. This is that moment we talked about…the moment when they’re going to regret the breakup and realize that they want you back more than anything else.
So remember, while you may feel weak right now, like you’re not valuable and you’ll never be able to get them back, really this is all about their own personal lens and that WILL change if you just give them space.
The way they see things currently is out of your control. There’s nothing you can say to convince them and you shouldn’t even try because the more you try the more you’re going to confirm how they see you…you’ll look MORE needy, MORE desperate and LESS valuable with every attempt.
And when I talk about giving them space here, I’m not just talking about No Contact. I’m also talking about how you react to them when they do come around again. Don’t be a puppy dog, all excited to see them and willing to do whatever it takes to make them happy.
Don’t make them your number one priority. Prioritize your life and your self respect and watch as it changes how they look at you. If you can do this, you’ll see them naturally start to come to you more and more and they’ll try to impress you rather than you trying to impress them.
Because they’ll realize what they lost, they will be more willing to fight to fix things because obviously now they’ll see the value you’ve created.
