Does your ex feel like a ghost?
Like the more you reach for them, the more they slip through your fingers?
Are they just over you, or is there something more at play here?
Whether your ex has an avoidant personality, or is just avoiding you, I’m going to help you figure out what is triggering your ex to be avoidant and how you can overcome this through your own behaviour.
Reasons Your Ex Is Avoiding You
Now, let’s talk about why your ex is acting this way. he 7 triggers that make your ex go cold, pull away and avoid you like the plague. And I’ll also tell you how to prevent your ex from feeling this way so that you can get closer to them. Starting with number one…
1. They have an avoidant attachment style
If you’ve ever heard about attachment theory, you know that knowing your ex’s attachment style is very important when it comes to trying to reconnect.
Basically, attachment theory is the idea that we all form romantic attachments in different ways and these are known as attachment styles.
One of the most common attachment styles is avoidant. Avoidants struggle with intimacy and connection and so they struggle to create attachments with other people.
They get scared when it comes to connecting with other people and so they default to avoiding conflict, emotions and intimacy, as a way to keep themselves safe.
This is the kind of person who will break up with you to prevent you from breaking up with them first.
They’ll downplay your feelings about an issue so that you leave them alone. And they’ll do whatever it takes to avoid conflict so they never have to be vulnerable.
And, of course, they’ll avoid you when things get emotionally intense, like after a breakup.
So while many people take their ex’s cold shoulder after a breakup as a sign of disinterest and anger, they may be missing the fact that their ex is actually an avoidant.
Avoidant exes will avoid you not because they don’t want to be around you, but because they know that talking with you will bring up conflict and difficult emotions and they do NOT want to deal with those things, especially now.
So how can you stop your avoidant ex from giving you the cold shoulder? Well avoidant attachment is formed in childhood so all you have to do is travel back in time and stop it from happening and then you can live happily ever after.
But seriously, when you know that your partner or your ex is avoidant, you basically just have to work around it. So since you know that emotions and intimacy trigger them, then you need to show them through your actions that they don’t have anything to worry about.
First off, if you had a lot of heavy conversations around the breakup—which is pretty likely—you need to stop bringing up these topics. The time will come to clear the air but not until the two of you have rebuilt a solid foundation where you can communicate without these issues.
So instead of dumping your feelings onto them or trying to talk about what went wrong, approach them casually. Treat them like the fun, exciting person you fell in love with and attract them back using humour, fun, mutual interests and by appealing to their desire to see you.
Because—believe me—your avoidant ex DOES want to see you more than you think. Avoidants are just very good at hiding their feelings, even the good ones.
From there, make sure you take it slow and save the drama for a later date.
There’s a lot more to know about dealing with an avoidant ex, like how it probably contributed to the breakup in the first place. I’ve made an entire video about that which I’m going to link in the description below and in the pop up here in the corner so check that out if you think your ex has avoidant attachment.
I thought I’d talk about avoidant attachment first because if your ex is an avoidant, it’s going to intensify the rest of the items on this list.
2. Your ex doesn’t know what they want
Now, I’m sure that you feel pretty strongly that you want your ex back. But for them, things aren’t so simple. Breakups can really screw up your life and your sense of self and with that, you can lose track of where you’re going and what you want.
So they may want to see you but they know that seeing you means possibly reconnecting and they’re not sure if that’s what they want just yet.
They’re pretty overwhelmed by negative emotions. They’re waiting for that to settle down so they can see if their feelings for you are real or if they’re just trying to feel better after the breakup.
And until that happens, they’re going to avoid you like the plague so that they don’t mess things up and lose you forever, or get back together with you, or start a massive fight, or whatever.
It’s honestly a pretty smart move from your ex and it’s something that I recommend to all of my clients shortly after a breakup.
Really, for the first couple of weeks to a month, to longer, depending on how serious things were, you’re going to feel pretty mixed up and it can cause a lot of problems between you and your ex.
So how can you overcome this hurdle and get them to talk to you again? Well, honestly, my best advice here is to stop trying. Every time you reach out to them, you’re actually driving them further away from you.
Remember, now is the time that they’re trying to clarify their own feelings. If you keep reaching out to them and they keep dodging you, this is telling them “hey, when this person reaches out, I just try to avoid them.
This must mean that I’m over them and just want to move on.”
This might feel a little silly but this is happening on a subconscious level. It’s almost like a phobia. For those of you afraid of spiders, you understand this. You know that the spider isn’t really going to hurt you but the more you avoid it, the more you are freaked out by it. After awhile it becomes this giant mental formation that you can’t get over.
So stop giving your ex chances to avoid you because every time you do, you’re strengthening the neural pathways that see you as a threat.
Now let’s move on to the third thing that triggers avoidance in your ex…
3. Your ex doesn’t know how you feel
Many of you watching will have gone out of your way to let your ex know how you feel about them, how much you want them back, and how you can’t live without them.
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this is not ideal because it can make you look pathetic and push your ex away.
But I’m betting that some of you have done the opposite and hid your feelings from your ex so much that they don’t know that you’re interested at all. Or maybe you two had a really bad fight so they think there’s still bad blood.
Or maybe you told them you wanted them back early on but a lot of time has passed and so they think you’ve moved on.
Now, it’s good to keep your ex guessing about your feelings to draw them in but if you take it too far then your ex may think that you are mad at them, that you hate them, or that you’re just no longer interested.
And if that’s what they think then is it any wonder that they’re dodging your messages? Think about it. You get a call from someone who you think hates your guts. Are you calling back?
No, you want to avoid this kind of negativity in your life so you’re going to keep them at arm’s length and avoid them at all costs.
And this is especially true if they still have feelings for you because they know that being rejected by you is going to hurt in a major way.
So if you think this is the case, what can you do? Should you call them up and profess your undying love for them? Well no, not quite.
You need to keep things subtle here but there are ways you can let your ex know that you’re not upset and that you might actually be interested in them again, if they play their cards right.
So let’s look at how you’ve been reaching out to them. Are you calling them up out of the blue? Are you sending short, cryptic messages like “hey I want to talk to you” or simply “what’s up?”
These are doing nothing to change your ex’s perception that you’re not interested. So send them a message that shows some of your personality. Maybe make a joke, use a few emojis. Just basically treat them like you would if they were a stranger that you wanted to flirt with.
Keep it PG but send the message that 1. You’re not upset and 2. You’re safe to talk to.
Just be realistic here. Are they really not sure how you feel or is that just wishful thinking on your part? Because, while this does happen, it’s much more common to be the exact opposite, which brings us to number four…
4. You’re pressuring your ex
Yes, often when your ex pulls away and goes into avoidance mode, it’s because they’re responding to how you’re treating them.
Basically, they feel a lot of pressure coming from you. You want to see them, you want to hang out with them, you want to know how they feel, what they’re doing, who they’re spending time with. Or maybe you’ve been reaching out to their friends and family to check in.
Really, any kind of excessive contact with your ex at this point is going to feel like pressure.
Basically, you’re trying to weasel your way back into their life and they resent it. Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that they want you out of their life for good.
Because if they were truly over you then they’d probably have no issue fully ghosting you or even telling you to leave them alone. It just means that they need space right now and you’re not giving it to them so they’re taking it.
Another way you may be pressuring your ex is by begging them for another chance. That’s a lot of pressure, right? Especially if your ex is feeling unsure about their feelings and what they want.
Because here’s another thing that people get wrong in this process: everyone wants to feel like they’re calling the shots. So by pressuring them to get back together, now the dynamic has shifted.
RELATED: Can You Get Your Ex Back If You Grew Apart?
Now if they agree, it feels like they’re just giving into what you want, rather than making the active choice to do what’s best for them. Even if they do actually want you back.
So essentially you’re robbing your ex of agency and they resent it.
So give your ex the space that they want and let them find their way back to you. Many people worry that letting their ex have space is essentially giving them a chance to run away from you. But remember, this is a person, not a pet. You can’t stop them from leaving you if they’re set on it.
But if you take a step back and leave them be, then you’re going to help your chances of getting them back. You’ll give them a chance to miss you and realize what you brought into their life. You’ll show them that you’re not a threat to their happiness, but you could make them happy if they’re willing to take the first step and accept your love.
Which brings us to number 5…
5. Your ex doesn’t want the drama
Was your breakup pretty rough? Was there yelling, name calling, and lots of tears? Did you both say things that you now regret?
Then chances are your ex isn’t avoiding you, they’re avoiding the drama.
This is especially likely if you’ve been continuing to have conflict since the breakup. So are you calling them up to start fights? Have you been insulting them online or to mutual friends?
You need to stop this behaviour NOW if you want any chance of reconnection or even having a civil relationship with your ex. I know that you’re upset and that you may have legitimate issues to discuss with this person, but you need to ask yourself “Am I more interested in getting back together or in getting even with them?”
Either way, now is not the time to be having these conversations. Things are far too emotionally charged for you to be able to get anywhere, as I’m sure you’ve realized by now.
So give it a rest and if you do speak to your ex, be cordial and show them that you’re not spoiling for a fight.
Just one or two interactions where neither of you gets aggro can be enough to smooth things over and begin the process of getting back together.
6. Your ex is hiding something
If your ex is avoiding you then there is a small chance that they’re actually doing this because they don’t want you to find out the truth. So maybe they cheated on you or lied to you. Maybe they’ve already met someone new and they don’t want to hurt your feelings. It could really be anything.
And I’m sure if you suspect something, you’ve already been trying to do a little detective work and sort out what exactly is going on.
I advise you to stop this right now. All you’re going to do is hurt your own feelings. And if they could lie to you when you were together, what chance do you have of getting the truth now that you’re broken up?
The truth will come out eventually but for now, you need to stop sleuthing because your ex isn’t going to give you the answers you seek.
7. Your ex is already moving on
And this final item on this is probably the one you’re most worried about. If your ex is dodging your calls, it could be that they’re already moving on with their life and just don’t want to talk to you. Now I will say that this isn’t super likely.
Not that exes don’t move on, but it generally takes awhile after the breakup for this to happen.
If this is the case, they’ll display a general disinterest in you. That means that they’re not going to be upset or angry when you reach out but they might forget to message back or they might take a long time to respond.
Unfortunately, if things have actually progressed past a certain point, it can be difficult or impossible to win them back from here. So hopefully your ex is ignoring you for another reason.
That brings us to the end of this video. I think it’s safe to say that your ex ignoring you can be a difficult problem to sort out because it’s typically caused by several of the factors on this list.
But if you follow my advice, give them space and take the pressure off, you may be able to repair things without having to really do anything at all.
