If you want your ex back after your breakup, you’re probably asking “What do they want?”
I’m here to tell you exactly what your ex wants from you right now, and believe me when I say that it’s definitely not what you think.
So what is it that your ex wants from you? The truth is pretty complicated so let’s take it one thing at a time…
1. Your ex wants you to stay exactly where you are.
If your ex ended things with you, then they don’t want you to suddenly improve your life, become a better person and go on to have a life of happiness without them.
I know they may say that they do… they may even think that they do… But the truth is that a big part of them wants you to keep hanging around and pining after them long after the relationship is over.
They also want you to stay the same as they remember…at least for the foreseeable future.
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There are a few reasons for this. They want to feel desired. They don’t want to miss out on something good. And on some level they still want you and so they want you to want them.
They also want you to remain available as a potential “backup plan” in case they change their mind and decide that the breakup was a bad idea.
This is selfish, but remember that they’re not really aware that they feel this way, and it’s not like they’re actively doing anything to sabotage you. They’re just afraid of change so a big part of them wants you to stay put.
2. Your ex wants space.
After a breakup, your ex mostly just wants you to leave them alone. While they do miss you and they’re sad and lonely, they also need a ton of space from you at this point. This is pretty universal when it comes to breakups.
Dumping someone is another way of saying “get away from me.” They can still like–or even love you–but if they dumped you that means they want you out of their immediate vicinity as quickly as possible.
There are so many reasons that your ex may feel this way. Maybe they lost attraction for you. Maybe you did something that upset them and that led to the breakup. Maybe they just want to start over and need you gone in order to begin the process.
The bottom line is that they wish you would just stay away from them… for now.
3. Your ex wants you to act in a way that justifies the breakup
This one is a little abstract but stay with me… Ending things with you was a difficult decision for your ex.
Part of them still worries that they made the wrong decision and that part of them wishes that you would act in a way that justifies their decision to break up.
So if you decide to treat them poorly after the breakup, to fall into depression or to act out in negative ways, they won’t be happy about it… but on some level you’re really giving them what they want…you’re showing them that they were right to dump you because you’re clearly not someone who is worth their time.
4. Your ex wants validation
If your ex still talks to you after the breakup but never agrees to meet up with you, you should ask yourself what they’re REALLY getting out of these interactions.
They may see it as “keeping in touch” or “staying friends” but what they’re really doing is keeping you on the hook so that you keep showing up and validating them.
Breakups hit the self esteem HARD so many will entertain anyone who sees them as an attractive and valuable romantic option…even if that’s an ex.
They love compliments, flirting and indications that you miss them but none of that is strictly necessary. Really, all it takes is contact of any kind for them to feel validated. This includes social media likes, comments and views as well.
Even mean messages show them that you’re thinking about them, which feeds their ego. So really contact of any kind is going to give the validation they want.
5. Your ex wants you to be sad and pathetic
I know, I know, your ex probably said that they want you to have a happy life without them. And they meant it… sort of. Your ex probably still loves you and cares about you, so they don’t want you to fail and be miserable for life.
But for right now, immediately after the breakup, they want you to be devastated. They want you to completely fall apart without them.
This is human nature. We all want to feel valuable. We all want to feel needed. In fact, not feeling needed is one of the big reasons that people end relationships. We all want to feel like our presence in another’s life has meaning.
The more comfortable we get in a relationship, the more we can take the other person for granted and the less we share our feelings.
But after a breakup is when we can REALLY see how much this other person cared about us. So the more sad and pathetic you are at this time, the more they’ll feel that you truly cared about them.
6. Your ex wants you to disappear
This is more than just wanting space from you following the breakup… your ex wishes that you didn’t exist at all. Now I’m not saying they want to kill you or anything like that….in most cases. They just wish they never met you, they never had the relationship and the breakup and all the baggage.
They feel embarrassed at all the mistakes they made…all the mean things they said to you. They regret trusting you and getting invested in a relationship that ultimately didn’t work out. They regret caring about yet another person that wasn’t right for them.
Try not to take this one personally as it’s a natural response to a breakup for many people. They wish they could wave a magic wand and get the time back that you spent together.
And again, this is just one of the things they want and, if given the chance, they wouldn’t actually make you disappear. Not just because they care about you, but because they do genuinely value the time you two spent together, even if that’s hard to see at this exact moment.
How can they want all of this at once? You can’t very well keep validating them and cease to exist at the same time. Well, as I’ve said, these are all subconscious desires…They’re not thinking this out and being logical.
But basically what it comes down to is that your ex doesn’t want any consequences, they want to feel like they made the right choice, and they want validation.
Should You Give Your Ex What They Want?
If you want your ex back, you might think that the best way to do that is to find what they want and give it to them. But that’s not actually the best way forward here and I’ll explain why.
First off, as we’ve already discussed, the things that your ex wants are completely contradictory. You can’t very well keep giving them compliments and give them a ton of space at the same time.
But you could always just try to find your ex’s biggest desire and fulfill that, right?
Well that’s not a great idea either. Because pretty much all of the things that your ex wants right now are just going to hurt you. They’re all about making you smaller, weaker and more obligated to your ex.
And I know you’d do anything to get them back–even if it meant getting on your hands and knees–but the truth is that these are bad options because of how they impact you and how that impacts how your ex sees you.
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If they see that you’re willing to make yourself small like this, they’re going to lose all attraction for you pretty much instantly. At best it will look like you have no self confidence. At worst, it’ll seem like you have no other options and you really aren’t valuable in a relationship.
So what should you do instead? Well first you need to ask yourself “what is it that I want?” There are really two main options here. Do you want your ex back or do you want to move on?
If you do decide that you want to move on, then there’s not much more to say here. Getting over a breakup isn’t easy but it is simple. In this case, you need to stop thinking about your ex’s needs and wants completely. Cut ties with them and focus on yourself. Stop talking to them, stop interacting with them completely. I know it feels impossible–like you’ll die if you take this path–but it’s really the only way…and in the long run it’ll be less painful than trying to ease your way out of it.
Your ex will most likely be upset by this…let them be upset. They decided to end the relationship with you so they can’t expect you to stick around and give them what they want.
Obviously there are situations where this is going to be more complicated like if you live together or work together but just do your best to steer clear of them for a long time, if not forever.
If you want more information about moving on from an ex, you should check out another video of mine which I’ll link in the pop up here in the corner and in the description below. That video details the mindset you need to be in if you want to grieve the relationship and move on quickly.
There’s no rush to make a decision here. The truth is that the first few weeks after breaking up will look the same whether or not you want your ex back.
Which brings us to those of you who want their exes back… if you fall into this camp then you need to do pretty much the exact same thing: stop talking to your ex, stop hanging around and stop contacting them in any way… for at least thirty days following the breakup.
But what about your ex and their needs? Well the truth is that you need to disregard your ex’s thoughts and feelings at this point. It’s not your job to manage how they’re feeling and attempting to do so is actually going to hurt your chances.
Think of it this way… what does it mean to give your ex what they want? Well you’re effectively working to make them feel better. You’re helping them up when they’re down.
This may be a kind thing to do but remember that what’s making them upset is the breakup itself. If you succeed–you make them feel happy and secure after the breakup–you’re actually hurting your chances because you’re helping them move on… why would you do that?
I know that you care about them and love them–otherwise you wouldn’t want them back–but you’re really working against your best interests.
If you really want them back, you want them to feel as bad as possible during this period of time. They need to feel the full weight of the breakup here.
They need to know that they messed up and that by deciding to end the relationship, they’ve decided to be alone and sad because they’re choosing to abandon someone who loves and cares about them.
This may not be very nice, but dumping you wasn’t very nice either…
And that–ideally–should be the last time you think about your ex for the next thirty days. You need to spend this time thinking about YOURSELF.
Obviously things haven’t been great in your personal life lately. You’ve been through a breakup. You’ve been questioning your self worth. You’ve had sleepless nights and huge moments of self doubt. Spend this time doing the things you know you need to do to feel happy and fulfilled without your ex.
This means self improvement. It means reconnecting with friends and family to rebuild your social life, and it means treating yourself better and forgiving yourself for all the issues that happened in your relationship.
This is the simple truth about getting your ex back… you need to put yourself first or you’ll never be able to rebuild the confidence you lost in the breakup. And that means forgetting about your ex and what they need…for now at least.
By doing this, you’re ultimately going to make yourself a better, more fulfilled person which will in turn make you a much better partner to your ex when the time comes to reconnect.
When you do speak to them again, they’re going to be shocked at the changes you’ve made and more attracted to you than they thought possible. And if you’ve done everything right, you’ll get the second chance that you want.
