“Why won’t my ex come back to me?”
It’s a natural question, right? You want your ex back and you wonder why they don’t feel the same way.
What’s stopping them?
Well it’s important for you to consider several factors here to figure out why your ex hasn’t come back and what you can do about it.
You need to understand that this is a complex issue, so don’t expect there to be one simple answer to this question. It’s most likely that many of these factors are affecting your ex’s judgment and you’ll need to be aware of all of them if you want to reconnect.
Starting with number one…
1. You stayed friends
Being friends with your ex is always a bad idea. And I know what you’re going to say:
“We don’t want to lose the connection. It’s better than nothing. We still care about each other. It’s normal to stay connected after a breakup.” And you’re right, it is normal.
And what normally happens after a breakup–especially if the relationship was a long, serious one–is the people stay friendly, for awhile…They keep in touch and they lean on each other to help get through this difficult time.
There might even be some times where they feel like they’re backsliding. Like maybe the relationship isn’t over after all, maybe things might be starting up again…and then all of a sudden, one day, you wake up and realize…it’s finally over.
So what happened? Well by staying connected after a breakup–whether or not you call it a friendship–you essentially help one another move on and get to the point where you no longer need the other person’s support. You create a new dynamic…a new, short term relationship that is worse than your previous relationship in every way.
Even if you do everything right here, your new status as exes can’t compare to your past relationship, at least I hope it doesn’t. You’re no longer as connected. Things are muddy and confusing and you can’t REALLY let your guard down and be comfortable around one another the way you could before the breakup. Things are just…different.
So now every time you hang out with your ex, you’re making them associate you with this new, lesser relationship. Now when they think about you, they think of you not as the person they were with, who they built a strong relationship with and who they thought they’d spend the rest of their life with.
No, now they see you as their ex who they have a weird, in-between relationship with that makes them anxious and confused. And every time you hang out with them as “just friends,” you’re only solidifying this idea in their mind. You’re helping them move on and leave you behind.
And this is actually the best case scenario when it comes to communicating with your ex post-breakup. Because most times you may THINK that you’re friends with your ex, when really you’re actually giving them another reason not to come back…
2. You keep pestering them
This is THE number one reason an ex won’t come back after a breakup and it’s what I’m warning people against constantly, because it’s so easy to do without realizing it. And I get it, I really do. You want your ex back. So you want to keep them close, keep an eye on them and show them that you care about them. You wouldn’t want them to forget about you, right?
Well unfortunately this never works if you want your ex back. If you give your ex too much attention after the breakup—or, really, almost ANY attention–all you’ll end up doing is pushing them further away from you.
And the thing is, you can’t really see it, until it’s too late. As we just talked about, you’re changing how they see you, every time you talk to them post breakup.
But more than that, if you keep reaching out to them, it can start to get annoying. But because they care about you, they often won’t set a clear boundary there, for fear of hurting you. This is how you can so easily get into a situation where your ex sees you as a pest, without you even realizing it.
Obviously this is going to make you less attractive to them. No one wants to be with someone who they see as annoying. But there’s more to it than that. By being annoying towards your ex in this way, you’re showing them that you don’t have other options, which is not attractive.
RELATED: 5 Common Texts Your Ex Will Send You (And How To Reply!)
And most importantly–and this goes for being friends with your ex, and a few others on this list as well–you’re not giving your ex a chance to miss you.
I think that many people look down on dating advice that’s like “wait awhile to text them back” or “don’t double text” but there’s a reason that this advice is so popular…it works. This is because it allows the other person a chance to miss you…if only for an hour.
Because in order for someone to miss you, they need to feel your absence. You can’t miss someone who is in the room with you right now. Or is constantly in your inbox, sending you jokes and checking in throughout the day. No, you need to be absent for them to feel your absence…makes sense, right?
And if you want your ex back, making them miss you is the gold standard. They need to think “I wish they were here” before they’re going to take any steps to actually make that happen.
But even when your ex feels desire for you, you still have to get over the next hurdle…
3. They don’t want to admit that they were wrong
Now this is a more hopeful item than the previous two. Sometimes your ex wants you back but they’re unwilling to swallow their pride and admit that they made a mistake by ending things.
You may see this happen in situations where you two have been on-again, off-again. It’s also very common when your relationship ended over a single fight.
If your ex is very passionate and prone to changing their mind, there’s a good chance that this is why they’re steering clear of you. The same goes if they’re a stubborn or competitive person who doesn’t like to admit defeat.
This can be a hard situation to handle because the onus is on your ex to get over this and reach out to you. I recommend you give your ex space for awhile to allow them to process their feelings and realize what they’re giving up. If it has been awhile since the breakup, it may be that they want you to reach out to break the ice so they feel more comfortable with the situation.
In this case, you shouldn’t let your pride get in the way either.
4. You haven’t made up for your mistakes
If you’re wondering why your ex hasn’t come back yet, there’s a good chance that it’s because you hurt them, whether this was what led to the breakup or in the time since…
And really, if you haven’t done anything to make up for your mistakes, can you blame them? Not only did you hurt them, but every day that passes without you making it right shows them that you don’t care about them as much as they thought, and that you don’t respect their feelings.
Luckily, if this is the situation you’re in, there’s a very clear path forward, regardless of what you did wrong.
First off, whatever the behaviour was that hurt your ex, you need to stop it right now. So maybe you’re an alcoholic or an addict. You need to seek treatment. Maybe you cheated on them. I know you’re not together any more but if you want them back then you need to cut this person off completely…full stop.
Once you’ve done this, only then will you be able to apologize to your ex in a way that has any value. Now an apology can be tricky. I think many people fail at this because they don’t want to be vulnerable and they don’t want to own up to what they did. You have to fight this impulse and do it anyway.
Tell them you’re sorry for what you did. You need to include the word “Sorry” in there, specifically. Tell them you regret it. And tell them it will never happen again and explain the steps you’ll take to make SURE it never happens again.
RELATED: Signs Your Ex Is Getting Over You
Then listen to their side of the story and answer any questions they may have. You shouldn’t go out of your way to be FULLY transparent here if you feel it will hurt your ex more, but if they ask you questions you need to answer fully and be honest.
Don’t add more lies and deception to an already bad situation. Remember, you’re hoping to get your ex back, permanently. The longer you’re together, the harder it will be to keep your lies straight and you will end up right back here…all alone.
A quick word of warning: only apologize to your ex if you KNOW that your ex is hurting because of your actions and if it’s something you’re TRULY sorry for. Many people apologize after a breakup as an excuse to talk to their ex and put pressure on them to make up and get back together. If your ex can tell that this is what you’re doing then it’s not going to work and it’s only going to push them further away.
5. You want it too much
While there are obvious differences, you need to look at attracting your ex the way you’d look at attracting someone you’re just getting to know for the first time. And that means that you can’t be too aggressive, too available and too eager. I know that this is a hard pill to swallow, especially when it comes to your ex.
You want to think that you two are beyond stupid games like this but, in reality, this is all happening at a subconscious level. Now that your ex is single, they can’t help but compare you to all the other people who are now trying to connect with them…and don’t kid yourself, there are people reaching out to your ex right now.
If you’re being too available and too aggressive then it shows them that you don’t have other options and you’re really counting on them to reciprocate your feelings. I don’t think that I have to tell you that it’s not attractive when someone has no other options…it’s just human nature. It suggests that you’re low value and it puts a lot of pressure on them to be with you, which is never a good feeling when you’re on the other side of it.
So just keep your distance, keep things casual and leave your ex wanting more. Don’t be afraid to leave them on read or to be too busy to see them for a period of time. It may be nerve wracking but they’re not going to be upset or move on just because you don’t rearrange your life to match their schedule. In fact, it will only help you in the long run.
But you shouldn’t be TOO aloof around your ex or you might be feeding into the sixth reason they haven’t come back yet…
6. They don’t know how you feel
Now this is a hopeful one. If your ex has no idea that you’re interested then it’s no wonder that they haven’t come running back to you.
This might be the case if the relationship ended on bad terms, if you broke up with them, or if it’s been a long time since the breakup. Think about the last conversation you two had. If you were in their shoes, would you be able to tell that you were interested or did it just seem like any run of the mill exchange?
This happens to some of my clients who are emotionally closed off or are too scared of pushing their ex away to the point that they never reveal any sort of intention to reconnect. I know that I often tell people to keep their cards close to their chest and not be too eager but you can take this too far and make your ex think you’re not interested or worse, that you actively dislike them.
Now I hope you won’t hear this advice and think I’m telling you to go to their house at midnight and profess your love for them on your hands and knees. Really, all it takes to start things up again is one text message.
