I know you want your ex back and you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen.
I understand your pain, but you need to change your mindset if you really want a second chance with your ex.
Because your desire for your ex is going to cause you to fall into your their trap without even knowing it.
And you can trust me when I say that your ex will set traps for you.
Don’t worry, they’re not trying to skin you and cook you over an open flame or anything like that. I just mean that your ex will act a certain way in order to get certain things from you.
It may seem like they’re genuinely interested in you, want you back, love you, or miss you, but that’s not always the case. They may just be using you for their own purposes.
They’ll essentially tell you what you want to hear, or give you a little bit of attention and love, all to satisfy their own desires, and then end up leaving you in the dust.
I know this hurts to hear but chances are they’re not doing this consciously. They just know what they want and they know what they have to do and say to you to get it. And once they have what they want, they’ll have no incentive to get back together.
You need to identify and avoid these traps so that you can actually connect with them in a real way and get them back, without being used.
So let’s talk about the traps your ex will set for you and how to avoid them, starting with number one…
1. The Validation Trap
This is the most common trap your ex is going to set. Breakups cause us pain and make us feel bad about ourselves…we know this. And obviously, if you were the one who was dumped, you’re going to experience the worst of it, but the dumper will also feel like dirt after a breakup.
As the dumper, you feel like you’re incapable of love, like you just wasted so much time, like you’re a failure.
And obviously, you don’t want to feel this way, so you’re going to turn to someone who always made you feel like you were worthy of love…your ex.
So one of the main reasons your ex will reach out to you during this time–whether or not they’re aware of this–is to get a little validation. They’re looking for confirmation that they do have value to other people in the world, that they’re not a total failure.
This one can be hard to spot because your ex isn’t going to come out and say “hey, I’m feeling really low, can you say some nice things to me so I feel better?”
Obviously they know that you don’t owe them that and that it would be hurtful to you. Plus, if you have to ask for a compliment, it’s just not the same.
So your ex will be sneaky here. First off, they’ll reach out just to test the waters and see if you’re interested in talking.
Just getting a response from you is going to give them a dopamine hit because it shows them that you care and are willing to talk to them. Then, they might actually start to say nice things to you in order to prompt you to do the same.
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They might talk about how grateful they are for you, how much they miss you, what specific things you brought to their life that they’re going to miss. It’s going to feel pretty nice and you’ll be tempted to take the bait.
You may say, this is basically just conversation. There’s nothing sinister about this. And you’re right, but the way it affects the relationship is the real issue.
You see, if you give your ex what they’re looking for—if you shower them with love and attention, tell them how great they are, how much you miss them—you’re actually going to push them further away, in the long run.
This doesn’t make a lot of sense intuitively but stay with me here. If you want your ex back, how do you want them to feel? Do you want them to be really happy, really content and feeling like life is perfect without you around?
No, you actually want them to feel bad right now. You want them to be sad and lost without you. The worse they feel, the more they miss you, the more likely it will be that they come back. I hate to say it but it’s true.
So if you show up to save the day and make them feel better, you’re improving their mood, which is helping them heal and get over you. You’re effectively saying “hey, I’m still here so you don’t have to miss me, and I’ll help you feel better without you having to change or treat me differently.”
This is the same reason that you don’t want to fall into the next trap on this list:
2. The Friendship Trap
Yes, being friends with your ex after a breakup is another major trap that can easily destroy your chances with them.
This can also be hard to spot because sometimes you’ll slip right into this dynamic without even knowing it.
Here’s a common scenario: You and your ex continue to speak to one another following the breakup. You know that it’s a bad idea. They’ve made it clear they don’t want a relationship with you but you don’t feel the same way. So instead of cutting things off or clearly explaining your needs or expectations, you continue to spend time together like nothing happened.
You don’t acknowledge the change but things are not the same as they were when you two were dating…not at all. You no longer sleep together. You don’t talk about the future. You don’t go on proper dates. You no longer kiss, cuddle or really show affection, at least not consistently. You just kind of hang out.
So what does that make you? That’s right, you’ve basically just become friends.
Of course, sometimes you and your ex will enter into a friendship more intentionally. They’ll ask to be your friend or they’ll ask to hang out “just as friends” or whatever.
However it happens, you’ll quickly find that this isn’t very much like other friendships. You may enjoy each other’s company. You may even have a little fun. But certain topics of conversation will be off limits. Like your dating life, your feelings for one another, and the breakup.
And unlike other friendships, this one won’t bring much joy into your life or give you a sense of camaraderie. You might have a good conversation and a few laughs, but then you’ll go home…alone.
You’ll actually miss them so much worse the more you see them because you won’t be able to connect with them the way you’d like to.
So this friendship actually takes from your life instead of adding to it.
And the more time you spend with your ex this way, the less chance you’ll have of getting back together. Because when you treat your ex like a friend, you create a new dynamic that makes it difficult to create a romantic relationship with them.
I mean, think of your actual friends. I’m sure we all have a friend or two of the opposite sex that we at one point had a little crush on. But as the years went by and we got to know them as just a friend, it becomes harder and harder to see them as a romantic option.
This is because you’ve created a new dynamic where romance just isn’t on the table. By treating them like a friend for all this time, you’ve taught your brain “this is my friend and nothing else.”
This is just a quirk of the human brain. We love putting people into categories to simplify things. Unfortunately, we can’t see people as their entire complex selves every time we think about them. As much as we’d like to. So we put them into little boxes and once they’re in those boxes, it’s so hard to get out of them.
So the more your ex sees you as a friend, the more they’ll think of you as a friend and nothing else. And you’ll feel the same way too, eventually.
The solution to this is to NOT be your ex’s friend. Don’t be their shoulder to cry on. Don’t hang out platonically. Don’t let them call you bestie or buddy or pal, or anything like that.
It’s going to be hard to resist spending time with them but you MUST be strong and create firm boundaries around this. It’s always better to be alone for awhile and reconnect on your own terms than it is to be your ex’s friend and lose the connection you once had.
3. The Conflict Trap
Here’s a question I get all the time: “We broke up. Why is my ex reaching out to me all the time?”
Now there are many answers to this question, but you need to look at the outcome of these conversations. And if things almost always end in an argument, accusations and name calling, then chances are this is what your ex is looking for here and you’ve fallen right into their trap.
I can almost guarantee that your ex isn’t doing this one consciously but there’s a reason that some people just always seem to end up in conflict with their exes. It’s because it’s fulfilling a need for them.
There are two needs your ex is fulfilling by starting fights with you:
The first applies to many of your ex’s traps: they want to talk to you but are afraid to get too close. They want you on some level, but they don’t want to actually reconnect in a real way. So they slap you, to avoid kissing you, basically.
This way they get to talk to you without risking falling back in love.
Plus, if they can convince themselves they have a “bone to pick with you,” then they can justify reaching out.
They’re trying to justify something that they know is not a good idea. It’s a bit of mental gymnastics but it’s actually very common.
RELATED: This Is The Moment Your Ex Will Regret Leaving
The second need that this conflict trap fulfills is their need to justify the breakup and deal with their own guilt.
They fight with you because they think that if they make you mad then you’ll say something that justifies the breakup in their mind.
So maybe you took the breakup really well. At first, they’re like “that’s great, smooth sailing, we don’t have to have a huge fight.” But the problem with that is that it makes you seem like the victim. You’re the mature one and they’re the one rejecting you. So now they feel nothing but guilt for hurting you…they feel like a jerk.
If they can get you to call them a bitch, or tell them that you cheated on them, or that you hate their family—or whatever outburst they can get out of you-–then they get to feel like the victim and this makes it much easier for them to move on.
Whatever their motivations, you gain nothing by falling into this trap and getting into a big fight with your ex.
Keep your distance from them following the breakup, don’t take the bait and always be polite and pleasant. If they get heated, back off and step away from the conversation.
This will drive your ex crazy and they’ll be forced to admit to themselves that they’re actually the problem.
4. The Backup Plan Trap
It’s so hard to resist this one because it can feel like the real thing, until it finally becomes clear that you’ve been played. Basically your ex will keep you on the hook however they can, for as long as they can.
Their main tactic here will be showing you just enough interest to prevent you from moving on and finding someone new but never as much as you’d like. Essentially, they’re giving you hope that you could get them back. Not right now, but sometime down the line. And guess what? That time is never going to come.
This one is straight up manipulation so you probably won’t see it unless you know what to look for.
First off, they’ll keep validating you, telling you how much they miss you and just generally being kind and loving towards you.
They’ll give you glimpses of the relationship you once had that are so tempting that you can’t bring yourself to give up.
Then, when it seems like you have them in your grasp, they’ll pull away, leaving you all alone.
At times you’ll feel like you’re almost back together but if you really think about it, you’ll realize that you’re still afraid to get comfortable and to actually ask them to meet your needs.
This is because they’ve made it clear that you can’t actually rely on them. The relationship will be very intense at times but also very tenuous.
This allows them to keep you around as a backup plan in case things don’t work out for them in the dating world.
But if you do fall into this trap, chances are they’ll never actually come back to you, no matter how bad their dating life becomes, because they won’t have to…You’ll be ready to show up and shower them with love, affection and validation anytime they ask, without them ever having to take you seriously as an option.
And, as with others on this list, the more they use you like this, the less they’ll respect you and so the less they’ll be attracted to you.
Do NOT let yourself be manipulated in this way. Maintain your boundaries and don’t let them get away with any hot and cold treatment.
The best way to do this is by showing them that you won’t accept their crumbs. Show them you’re not as available as they want you to be. Don’t pick up the phone. Don’t drop everything to spend time with them. Don’t treat them like your partner unless they’re willing to be your partner.
You want them to think you’re out meeting new people, dating and basically living your life, without them. And if they don’t treat you right, pretty soon you’ll be out the door.
5. The Jealousy Trap
As with many of these traps, your ex is trying to get some kind of a reaction out of you in order to feel better about themselves. In this case, they’re trying to make you jealous.
It’s pretty easy to see this one in action but it’s hard to stop your natural reaction. Your ex will post a photo with some hot person, or maybe they’ll reach out to you and casually mention all the dates they’ve been on, or they’ll let it slip to mutual friends just how much better their new partner is than you.
This stuff really hurts and you aren’t actually going to stop yourself from feeling jealous when they act this way.
You can’t control this emotion. But what you can control is both your ex’s access to you, and how you react when they try to manipulate you this way.
First off, if you can avoid seeing this stuff in the first place, you win. So if your ex is posting to make you jealous then hide their posts and stories for awhile.
If they’re getting at you through mutual friends then tell your friends you don’t want to hear about them unless you ask. And if they’re just straight up messaging you then stop engaging with them.
But if they do manage to get to you, then your best move is to just not react to their cries for attention–because that’s what this is, essentially. So don’t get angry, don’t ask questions about this other person, and don’t try to guilt trip them.
And this is not the time to try to make them jealous in return or it’s going to look super suspect. Just say “I’m happy for you” and move on.
The good news is that if your ex is trying to make you jealous then they’re still very much hooked on you. They wouldn’t do this if they didn’t still care about you and it means they most likely want you back—even if they’d never admit it—so take comfort from that.
And now that you know how much jealousy can affect you, you can use it against your ex in return. This is actually one of the best strategies if you’re trying to get your ex back. If you can turn it around on them, they’re GOING to take notice and miss you even more.
6. The Sex Trap
It’s very likely that your ex will try to sleep with you following the breakup. This is most common in male exes but women will do this as well. I won’t tell you never to sleep with your ex. Let’s face it, you probably wouldn’t listen to me if I did.
But I will say that you need to think about why your ex is doing this, what it means for your relationship and what the results will be, before you make any move.
The most obvious reason an ex will sleep with you is because they’re horny and they miss you. Simple. It’s not like they’re no longer attracted to you just because you two are no longer together.
But there’s often a lot more going on here. Your ex is often doing this to seek validation, especially if your ex is a guy. Yes, it turns out that guys aren’t the hard-hearted sex machines they pretend to be. They’re actually looking to feel better about themselves following a breakup…more in control.
And as I’ve said, you don’t want to make your ex feel better at this time. You want them to feel BAD if you want them back, so resist doing anything to help them get over the heartbreak they’re feeling right now or they’ll have no reason to come back.
Now if you were to sleep with them, what will this mean for your relationship? Well the truth is that sleeping with your ex isn’t going to make them fall back in love with you all over again, no matter how good in bed you are. Chances are they’re going to cuddle for a bit, chat and then leave and you won’t see them again for quite awhile, if ever.
So just don’t think your way back into your ex’s heart is in their pants. Prepare yourself for the idea that this is just a hookup like any other.
And consider what that means for your own feelings. Can you separate sex from love? Are you going to feel like garbage when they kiss you on the cheek, put their clothes back on and leave like nothing ever happened? I don’t have the answer to this. Sometimes sleeping with an ex is worth the tradeoff and sometimes it’s not.
There are benefits here. Sex can be really bonding for certain people. It can also calm your nerves and break the ice so you’re better able to connect.
Just don’t make this a regular thing. Being your ex’s booty call isn’t much better than being in their friend zone.
