So you want your ex back and you’re taking steps to make it happen.
Maybe they seem open to communicating and even spending time together.
But you can’t shake the feeling that they’re not really taking you seriously.
It feels like they don’t really want to give you a second chance, but they’ll use you to pass the time until something better comes along.
This feeling sucks. Let’s talk about how to know for sure that your ex is treating you this way, why they don’t take you seriously and what to do if you want them back.
Because I see it all the time. It seems like you’re making progress with your ex… Sometimes it feels like the breakup never even happened… but you just can’t shake the feeling that your ex isn’t serious… like they’re just going to disappear one day without a trace.
First off, you’re not crazy. This is how many exes will treat you and that’s exactly how it can end up unless you change the situation. But before we get into all that, let’s go through how you’ll know that your ex isn’t taking you seriously…
1. They’re avoiding certain topics
Sometimes it’s less about what your ex says and more about what they don’t say. If they dodge your questions about the relationship, the breakup, your feelings, what they’re looking for, your wants and needs, or anything serious… this is a good sign that they’re not taking you seriously.
They know that if they were to have a serious discussion about these topics then it would reveal things they don’t want you to know, or it would change the nature of the relationship.
Essentially they do this because they want to maintain this status quo. They’re happy with this situation…for now. They don’t want to have any heavy discussions because they know where they will lead…They like the benefits they’re getting from the relationship and they don’t want to lose them but they’re less concerned about your needs and where this is all going.
2. Hot and cold behaviour
Breakups are really triggering for most people. They can cause wild mood swings as you try to manage your emotions and communicate. But this isn’t an excuse when it comes to how your ex treats you.
As long as it’s been a couple weeks since the breakup, your ex should either have their feelings under control or at least keep them under wraps and not make them your problem.
If they don’t, it’s because they aren’t really concerned about how they’re treating you because they’re not taking this seriously.
What I’m talking about specifically is treating you with interest and love one moment and then being distant or even hostile the next.
Of course, it feels great when they’re all over you and treating you like the only person in the world, but when they flip the script and act like you’re a stranger, it makes you wonder why you even bother. Don’t discount this behaviour. I know you want to cling to the good times but sometimes they don’t outweigh the bad.
It does take time for you and your ex’s feelings to normalize after a breakup.
Really, this is why I recommend you take a more significant break from your ex before you reopen the lines of communication but we’ll talk more about that in a second.
3. Disregarding your needs
It doesn’t matter how available and present your ex is, if they treat you like a doormat then it’s pretty obvious that they don’t really care about you.
This won’t always be obvious but just think about how they’re treating you.
Do they really listen when you speak? Are they interested in you as a PERSON or are they treating you more like a means to an end, or even like an object.
Think about the way you spend time together. Is it always on their terms? Do you always do what they want to do on their schedule and in their way? Are you always there for them even though they’re never there for you?
4. Your gut feeling
I’m a big believer in instinct. I’m sure you’re here because you already have a strong feeling that your ex isn’t taking you seriously…trust that feeling, even if you can’t explain it. The truth is that our brains are powerful.
Every moment they’re taking in information and processing it to help us come to conclusions.
This is not always a conscious process. It can be as small as a look on their face, their choice of words, or even a pause when asked an important question….all this stuff matters.
So trust your gut on this one. Even if they say all the right things, if it feels like they’re not taking you seriously, they probably aren’t.
Why Your Ex Isn’t Taking You Seriously
Now that we’ve identified the behaviour and what it means, let’s talk about WHY your ex isn’t taking you seriously. There are several reasons that your ex is going to act this way after a breakup.
You’re too available
This is the real killer of your ex’s attraction, and at the root, this is an attraction problem. Your most powerful means of attracting your ex right now is to make them miss you. And if you’re too available, they can’t miss you.
So if you always reply to their texts in seconds, are always wanting to meet up and spend time together, or are way too understanding when they want to cancel plans with you, you’re showing your ex that you’ll be as close to them as they’ll allow.
When you do this, you’re really signaling your availability to them. So they might feed into this by matching your energy.
Now you’re talking a lot and spending a lot of time together. You may think this is a good thing but really, by giving them unlimited access to you, you’re showing them that they don’t have to take you seriously.
They can have you if they want you, without ever having to treat you the way you want to be treated.
And the same goes if they want to neglect you and keep their distance. They know from the way you treat them that they could have you if they wanted and they don’t even have to make an effort.
So really, if you act this way, why should they take you seriously?
They know they’ll be hurt again
Another option here that your ex may not take you seriously is because they’re protecting themselves.
They know that if they were to get serious here and really think about creating a future with you and what that looks like, they’d have to open their heart to you and that means risk.
If you two were to seriously date again, why would they have any reason to think that things would be different this time?
Instead, they’re just going to use you, essentially. They’re going to get all the love, attention, companionship, validation and sex that they can from the relationship without ever opening up and offering much in return.
They’ll continue to see other people. They’ll blow you off whenever it’s convenient for them and they won’t think much about it because in their mind, you aren’t their future.
They believe–or they want to believe–that you’re no good for them and so they know that this basically doesn’t even count.
You’re a pushover
Breakups make people selfish. Really, any trauma causes stress and that requires us to take care of ourselves and neglect others. So if you show your ex that you’re willing to do whatever they want, they’re going to take advantage of this without even knowing it.
They just don’t have the awareness or the mental energy to treat you right right now and so they won’t say no to any help they can get. So maybe you’re being overly kind towards them, giving them gifts and showering them with compliments.
Maybe you’re acting like a shoulder to cry on. Maybe you’re helping them move or giving them rides, looking after their pets…whatever.
Now they appreciate these things and so you probably think that this is helping you get closer to them. In reality, all you’re doing is lowering their opinion of you on a subconscious level.
RELATED: The BEST PLAN To Get Your EX BACK
You see, a relationship has to be equal. If it’s not, it breeds resentment in the person who’s doing all the work and contempt in the person being taken care of.
And this goes doubly after a breakup. Think about it. If you broke up with someone and they stuck around, doing whatever you wanted them to do and giving you all the love in the world, would you respect them very much?
Would you feel like you had to do anything to keep them around? No, obviously not.
You’ve shown that you don’t respect yourself so how can they respect you?
How To Make Your Ex Take You Seriously
Now I wish I could tell you that you can just ask your ex to take you seriously and that would make them change their tune. More likely, this is going to cause them to run for the hills.
But there are steps that you can take that will make them take you more seriously. It’s not going to be easy and it may feel counterintuitive but it’s the only way that gives you a real chance of winning them back.
First, you need to pull away
This is the most important thing for you to do if you’re spending time with your ex immediately post breakup.
The truth is that you two need this break, even if you don’t want it. The fact that one or both of you decided to end the relationship is a clear sign that things weren’t working. That doesn’t mean that you need to give up on your ex and move on–some relationships can come back even stronger after a breakup–but it does mean that you need a break.
Almost all the reasons that your ex won’t take you seriously can be resolved by just pulling away and giving them space. They can’t take you for granted if you’re not there. They can’t use you or manipulate you emotionally if you don’t give them access.
This is a hard step, I know, but it’s a necessary one at this point. Not only will it make your ex take you more seriously out of a fear of losing you, it’s going to give you some perspective on the whole thing and help you get your mind right for when the time comes to reconnect.
Second, you need to set boundaries
Once you’ve spent a period of time apart from your ex and you’re starting to reconnect, don’t just jump in with both feet. This time is crucial.
You need to establish boundaries if you want them to take you seriously. This means you need to show them that you’re not here to be just a friend or just a hookup or just a shoulder to cry on.
They need to know that if they want you, they’re going to have to treat you right.
But this can be very tricky because you don’t want to have this big huge discussion about boundaries and expectations with your ex early on. That can put a lot of pressure on the situation and cause your ex to run away before you’re able to really make a connection.
When it comes to establishing boundaries you need to show, not tell. For example, if you’re worried that they’re treating you like a booty call, don’t answer their texts late at night.
If they’re always canceling on you last minute, don’t say “no problem, that’s totally okay, I don’t mind. We’ll do it whenever it works for you.” If they want to pick you up at the airport, tell them you can’t or don’t feel that it’s a good idea.
These are three simple ways to establish pretty firm boundaries without having to make a big deal out of it. You’ve shown your ex that you won’t be taken advantage of and that they’re going to have to treat you better if they want to keep you around.
Many people worry about scaring their exes off this way but usually this actually draws your ex towards you even more. You see, I believe that people want to be held accountable and to treat people in their lives with respect.
While it may feel good to be selfish for a time, in the long run, it’s unsatisfying and it hurts our opinions of ourselves and the people who allow us to act this way. By staying strong, you’re actually helping them to be better and they’re going to appreciate you for it.
And honestly, if they refuse to rise to the occasion and treat you right, you probably don’t want them back in your life anyway.
Third, you need to prioritize your own self respect
Breakups can really hurt your self respect because they make you feel like the person who valued you the most no longer cares or wants you around. In order to feel better, you try to cling to your ex to get some semblance of their love, attention and validation.
But in the end, this makes you feel worse about yourself because you’re letting them stay in your life without giving you what you know you deserve.
Break this cycle by prioritizing your self respect. If you’re planning to spend time with your ex, ask yourself, “what am I really getting here? What am I losing?”
If the drawbacks outweigh the benefits then don’t do it. Change the plans to something you can feel better about or just keep your distance for awhile longer.
Not only will this help with your confidence and mental health, it will attract your ex to you. Self respect is attractive. No one likes someone who doesn’t like themselves. So make this your priority and watch your ex’s attitude towards you change.
It seems crazy but if they want you, this will really make them chase you and that’s going to draw them towards you like a magnet.
